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Entries in Monday Listicles (24)

Monday
Sep162013

Monday Listicles - Ten things on which I crush

Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for  Monday Listicles.

From the moment I came out of the womb and saw light, I am quite sure I began crushing on something. That particular moment, it was either the nurse or the doctor…..or maybe a breast.  That would have been a natural crush, I guess. 

From there, I moved on to favorite blankies and pacifiers to stuffed animals and strained spinach. I’m totally lying here as I have no idea but needed a segway to my next crush era.

As a pre-teen, I crushed on red licorice, Sweet Tarts, The Monkees and Paul Revere and the Raiders.  Oh yea, and that boy in the back of my class who sat slumped in his chair and slept half the time.  He was too cool for school.

As a teen, I crushed on the captain of the football team who didn’t even know my name and had never even looked at me.  But I had a hard crush on that guy.  I would have been his love slave, if I had any idea what that meant back then.

OK enough about past crushes. You get the idea. I am a crusher. I crush. It is what I do.  Don’t judge. It keeps me from completely accepting my mundane existence.  There’s always that little sliver of hope that some of my celebrity crushes might someday become a reality.

When hell freezes over.

And Vegas gets a blizzard in July.

And  Detroit wins a Super bowl.

Bwahahahaha. 

Anywho.

Here are the Ten Things on which I have a crush:

  • Jennifer Lopez
  • Vanilla Latte coffee
  • Writing.
  • Downton Abbey
  • George Clooney
  • The Rolling Stones
  • Diet Pepsi
  • Wine
  • Chocolate
  • The Denver Broncos

So there you have it, my list. Nothing weird.  Oh, I could make a weird list, but I don’t want to scare anyone away.  So I present my regular list.  I crush on each thing differently.  For example, my crush on  chocolate is not the same as my crush on Jennifer Lopez.

Wait, maybe it kinda is.

Never mind.

Have a great Monday.  What’s your crush?

 

 

 

Sunday
May262013

Monday Listicles - Ten reasons to make a list. Or not.

 

Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for her 100th Monday Listicles.  Congratulations Stasha! 

This week's topic was to be something about lists or listicles.  Easy enough for a List Ninja such as myself.  I am pretty sure I will kill with this one.

Even if nothing on my list has been researched, rehearsed, pre-tasted, or approved by a government agency.

Sometimes a girl has to go to her happy place where nothing is real and the cocktail waitress stops by often, and sometimes spends the night.  And so, from my happy place, and with absolutely no concern for my literary (or otherwise) reputation, I give you:

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Ten reasons to make a list. Or not.

  • Gives you an alibi for watching mindless television. You can make a list while watching Honey Boo Boo and call it multitasking.  Boom!
  • Keeps life in order.  Heaven forbid you and your OCD self would ever forget your list, though. Your loved ones would have no choice but to get the tranquilizer gun out and use it on you.  What?  Have you SEEN yourself without a list?  It’s not pretty.
  • Makes you appear as if you have your shit together.  People will put you on a pedestal.  People will emulate you.  The joke’s on them.  Underneath the Botox, spanks, and teeth-whitening strips, you are really a fucking mess. But with a list, no one has to know!
  • Saves extra trips to the supermarket.  Except for the trip home you have to make to retrieve the list you forgot in the first place.
  • Saves money. Also saves all the back-tracking you have to do in the supermarket because you left your list in the produce department, amongst the bananas, while you were staring at the hottie in tight jeans. Hopefully, they didn’t get you on camera for abusing that banana.  The produce department is such a naughty place!
  • Makes life easier.  Make a daily To-Do list and carry it with you throughout your day.  That way you won’t have to hunt for the list to transfer uncompleted items to next day’s list.  And to make things even easier, just laminate the To-Do list and start over each day.  You know you’re not really going to clean that oven or scrub that trash can anyway.  That’s what husbands/kids/maids/gullible friends are for. 
  • Can be used to efficiently delegate duties.  Make a nice, long grocery list. Herd the family into the minivan. Cruise on over to your favorite supermarket.  Rip list into equal pieces and dispense to family members. Then let them go at it.  What’s so great about this?  You were smart enough Not to take a piece and can relax with a Latte at the Starbucks next door.  Brilliantly orchestrated, you brainiac you!
  • Aids in personal perception.  Make a list of all the sexy things about yourself. Then share your list with your partner.  Watch your partner’s reactions carefully.  If your partner falls out of chair with laughter, your personal perception is all fucked-up.  If said partner smiles just a bit, then looks at you and says your list is spot-on, don’t believe it for a second. You need to forget about your personal perception, and find out what the sneaky bitch is up to.
  • Is an excellent way to assign chores.  Hang a huge whiteboard in a high-traffic area of your home. List and assign household duties to everyone in the family.  Then put padlocks on the frig and all the cupboards.  Hold a friendly family meeting where you promise to produce the keys when all assigned duties are completed.  End the meeting by calmly stating, “You can either Comply or Starve. I’m good either way”.
  • Aids in public speaking.  A good speaker uses notes on a few key points in order to provide an informative and interesting presentation.  A popular speaker makes a list of amusing anecdotes on which to refer if needed. A really smart speaker memorizes the whole speech, but also makes a list of all the exit doors in case her brain takes a crap and her audience goes postal.

******************

There you have it.  My own twisted view on using lists to your advantage.

 My work here is done. Now, where’s that cocktail waitress?

 


**Image from Google Images

 

Sunday
May052013

Monday Listicles - Ten FREE things I love

 

 Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for Monday Listicles.

This week's topic wasn't as easy for me as others have been. We were supposed to list ten free things we love. It was kinda tough. I had to get in touch with my 'inner goodness' and find a way to be happy about not spending money.  

This was a stretch for me.  

But once I reached deep DEEP inside, I was able to find a few FREE things that turn me on.  So let's get on with it, shall we?  I'm going shopping after this.

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Ten FREE things I love. Really. Honest. I'm not kidding either.

  • Ten minute massage from that special someone. Or anyone really. I can always close my eyes and pretend it’s Jennifer Lopez.
  • Nine minute power naps, in-between two hour writing sessions that suck the life out of me. Those power naps are truly my salvation. The wine helps, too.
  • Eight hours of quality sleep without a bathroom run. Sadly, this is no longer my reality.
  • Seven ice cubes in my iced tea. No, I’m not exposing my OCD. That will be another blog post, another day.  Seven ice cubes just make me happy. Not eight. Not six.  Seven ice cubes do it for me. Don’t judge.
  • The number Six. My favorite number. Not many people like that number.  I don’t run with the pack.  I can’t help it if my brain has its own cell tower.
  • Five minutes searching for sunglasses that are actually on my head. I don’t love this, but I stuck it in for a laugh. Or some pity. I’ll take either.
  • Four minutes sharing. This is my touchy-feely contribution. Don’t get used to it. Just go forth and share. It will make you feel good.
  • Three hours being impulsive. Or 59 years, 7 months, 29 days, 22 hours, and 39 minutes. I am a fan of whimsical behavior. It has given me many opportunities but caused me a few migraines and a lot of cash if you count the gambling.
  • Two minutes in ecstasy. Hell, I’ll take half of that and use the other half of the time expressing my undying gratitude. I’m not getting any younger!
  • One minute reflecting on this, my amazing life.  I try to do this at least once a day. It keeps me balanced and grounded.  If I haven’t remembered to smile all day, this brings my smile.

 

Image from Google Images

Sunday
Apr212013

Monday Listicles - Ways to spend 30 minutes (the clean version)

 

 

Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for Monday Listicles.

When I saw this week’s topic, my mind immediately turned toward the gutter and I had to perform a sharp U-turn to keep from utter and downright bloggedy shame.  Fortunately, after several 30 minute intervals of ponderous introspection and a stern scolding from that pesky angel on my other shoulder, I was able to come up with a really boring clean list of ways to spend 30 minutes.  So buckle your seat belts so you don’t fall off your chair when I put you to sleep.  I’m keeping it clean, but like President Carter once said, “I lusted in my heart.”  

Or was that one of the Bush’s? 

Never mind. Let’s move along, shall we?

**********************

Without further adieu, and with very little previous training in time management, I give you

  Ways to Spend 30 Minutes:

*****

Stupid way to spend 30 minutes:  Regretting past actions/choices.

Stupider way to spend 30 minutes:  Saying “why me?”

Stupidest way to spend 30 minutes:  Hating someone.

Sexy way to spend 30 minutes:  The tease.

Sexier way to spend 30 minutes:  The foreplay

Sexiest way to spend 30 minutes:  Using your imagination.

Kind way to spend 30 minutes:  Hand written letter to a dear friend.

Kinder way to spend 30 minutes:  Making someone’s life easier without expecting anything in return.

Awkward way to spend 30 minutes: Walking into an Overeaters Anonymous meeting, smelling like the In-N-Out burger you just ravished.  This could also be a dangerous way to spend 30 minutes.

More awkward way to spend 30 minutes:  Walking into a Sexual Addictions meeting, smelling like the In-N-Out burger you just ravished. This could also be a kinky way to spend 30 minutes.

Embarrassing way to spend 30 minutes:  Walking through the mall with toilet paper streaming out of your pants. Streaming TP is never going to catch on as a fashion accessory, but there is an upside. You wouldn’t have to worry about being stranded with an empty roll.

Smart way to spend 30 minutes:  Meditation. Rest the mind.

Annoying way to spend 30 minutes:  Waiting in the queue line at Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market. However, the entertainment value gleaned from people-watching may be worth the wait. You can play “Count the butt cracks” in your head and no one will have any idea why there’s a wicked grin on your face.

How to completely waste 30 minutes:  Letting yourself down. Spreading gossip. Being judgmental.

Nice way to spend 30 minutes:  Take a nap! 

Nicer way to spend 30 minutes:  A spooning nap for two!

Nicest way to spend 30 minutes.  One nap. Two consenting adults. Hold the nap.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monday
Feb112013

Oh no you didn’t just give me that for Valentine’s Day!

 

Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for Monday Listicles.

Valentine’s Day brings visions of cherubs flying around, the piercing of hearts with those little love arrows, and chocolate induced comas. For those involved in a fresh new love, Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to reinforce those oral commitments by spending economy-changing amounts of currency on splendid offerings such as blingy baubles and decadent doo-hickeys.  

On the other end of the burning-hot-heart-holiday spectrum are those poor souls with no sweetheart for which to present Valentine cards with pledges of their devotion. However, don’t feel sorry for them as they are the lucky ones, with their emotions and their wallets still intact. They also escape the pressure of wearing such gifts as underwear plastered with big red hearts that itch and ride up farther into one’s butt-crackus than should be legally allowed. 

Most of us, however, are stuck smack-dab in the middle of that lovey-dovey Valentine’s craziness.  We are the demographic of long-term-relationshippers.  We are not as romantic as we used to be with our intended/betrothed/wife/husband/sweetheart.  Let’s face it people. We buy Valentine’s crap because we have to.  And we’d better receive Valentine’s crap, too, or there will be hell to pay. 

This brings us to the all-important shopping for our Valentine. Not an easy task. For example, I know exactly the kind of candy my beloved likes, but I still manage to make the whole experience one of stress, sweat, and possible cranial swelling.  I also use it as an excuse to overeat.  One cannot expect to choose the perfect honey-I-love-you-please-just-take-the-gift-and-shut-up-about-it Valentine’s gift on an empty stomach. I usually make a quick drive through In-N-Out Burger and wolf down a soothing Double Double before venturing down the scary Valentine’s card aisle at the Hallmark store.

Frankly, that place scares the shit out of me. I’ve never seen so many reasons to give a card under one roof in my life.  I equate every single reason with some degree of guilt and some past painful experience in my life.   I forget birthdays. I can’t remember which of my partner’s relatives had a baby when.  They are good Catholic people and they have lots and lots of babies.  I can’t keep up with all that. But apparently Hallmark can.  It’s quite disturbing really.  Look around next time you’re in there.  You’ll see what I’m talking about.  Love, my ass!  It’s all about the guilt.

Which brings me to my brief list for today’s Monday Listicles.  A list of gifts you don’t want to even try and give your sweet-thang/hunnybuns/babycakes/main-squeeze/loverlips/pumpkin-puss, etc.  This list includes ‘you really shouldn’t’ gifting for both sexes.  Use whatever is appropriate.  Since I’ve been on both sides of the fence, I feel I am completely qualified to shove this advice your way.  You’re welcome!

Don’t even think about giving HER:

  • Small appliances.
  • Hair coloring kit.
  • Hair removal paraphernalia of any kind.  And stop staring at her chin hairs, at least on Valentine’s Day!
  • Cheap underwear. Women know these things. Trust me.
  • Self-help books.

Side Bar:  If she’s a lesbian, an exception can be made here.  Carpentry and car-repair manuals may be adequate depending on the butch level of said mate.

 

Don’t even think about giving HIM:

  • Opera theatre tickets.
  • Cologne.  Seriously, they don’t want this. They like fart smells.
  • Books made of paper.  If it doesn’t fit on something electronic, move to other choices.
  • Scented candles.  Again, the smell.  Just not on their radar.
  • Pink underwear.  Don’t ask me why I know this. I just do.

Sidebar:  If he’s gay, anything above will do quite nicely, except the books made of paper. Again, the electronic thing.  After all, he is still of the male persuasion.

 

Sunday
Jan272013

Monday Listicles - Stuff I wanted to be when I grew up

Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for Monday Listicles. I almost passed this challenge up due to laziness.  Then I finished my coffee, took a much needed shower, and the world looked almost tolerable once again.  So, with my caffeine-induced energy and my unwavering resolve to entertain, I humbly offer this week’s listicles.

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Ten things I wanted to be when I grew up

  • My first listicle actually covers the first five things I dreamed about becoming. As is with most children, I wanted to be stuff when I grew up.  Stuff like nurse, teacher, firefighter, princess, and mother.  And this was just when I was five years old. How’d that turn out? Well, one out of five ain’t bad. I became a mom. Only, my dreams of mommyhood back then consisted of my looking and performing just like Mrs. Cleaver and cooking like Betty Crocker.  Epic. Fail.  After that, my delusions of future grandeur intensified every time I was exposed to any modicum of success.  Gullible was my middle name. Branded by the Big G.  I have never recovered, sadly.

But let us not dwell. Let us move on. Quickly.

 

  • When I was eight years old, I participated in a science fair, and did well enough to be invited to bring my experiment to the state science fair.  It was a heady experience for a little girl.  So of course, I aspired to be a great scientist when I grew up.  How’d that turn out?  Well, I can boil water and tell the difference between salt and sugar.  And those Scrubbing Bubbles in the toilet really intrigue me.
  • When I was nine years old, my teacher read the most amazing book to the class, one chapter each day.  The book was titled Island of the Blue Dolphins. I was so obsessed with that book; I checked it out from the school library over and over again until they made me stop.  It fueled my adventurous side.  I wanted to be a great whale hunter.  How’d that turn out?  Well, sometimes I feel like a whale, depending on the scale reading of the day.  I don’t like to fish, though.  The whole worm-on-the-hook thingy.  Uh, no.

  • When I was twelve years old, I wanted to be a singer in a pop rock band. I was mesmerized by The Monkees and Paul Revere and the Raiders, etc.  I figured if I became a famous singer, I might be able to get Davy Jones’ attention.  How’d that turn out?  My Mom squashed my aspiring singing career by telling me to “shut the hell up, Theresa. You can’t sing for shit.”   Thanks Mom, for that raw albeit unsolicited advice.  However, she was right, so I proceeded to invent ‘air singing’.   It’s known as lip-syncing now, but it was actually invented by yours truly.  What?  You don’t believe me?  I also invented the internet.  So there.

Again, let’s just move on, shall we?

  • When I was fourteen, I wanted to be a band conductor. I was in the band at school, and I played the snare drum.  When I say I played the drum, I wouldn’t exactly call what I did playing.  It was bad, people. I was ranked seventeenth chair in the percussion group of seventeen. I didn’t care…I just kept banging away on my drum.  I remember thinking if I was the band conductor, I could have just waved my drum stick in the air and conducted, instead of trying to actually make music with it.  That would have been freaking awesome.  How’d that work out?  Well, I can dance.  That’s as rhythmic as I dare to get. Unless you count the snoring minuets I perform during slumber.  I have been told they could wake the dead.  From that analogy, I choose to believe I have talent. Glean from it what you wish.

  • When I was sixteen, I wanted to be an airline stewardess. I was addicted to a magazine called Seventeen.  I spent hours thumbing through its pages, and one day there was an article about the life of an airline stewardess.  It looked glamorous. I was hooked.  I began steadily daydreaming/planning about my future life as a stewardess. I would make elaborate plans of how my apartment would be decorated and how handsome my boyfriend(s) would be. How’d that turn out?  Well, I went in the Air Force instead, and married a handsome guy and got divorced a couple years later.  So I guess I almost got that one right, if you factor in The Mile High Club and subtract the bad airplane cuisine and coming out of the closet.

That concludes my childhood aspirations.  I left out a few other occupations because I didn’t have any witty stories to back them up.  I mean, what can one really say about wanting to be a funeral director, meter maid, Ferris-wheel operator, elevator concierge, or ice cream truck driver?

I was, and still am, a dreamer with no boundaries.

It is a joy as well as my Achilles

And just for today, my Monday Listicles.  

 

 

** Images from Google Images

Sunday
Jan132013

Monday Listicles - Favorite Movie Quotes

Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for Monday Listicles. This week's list was suggested by Ally from Just a Normal Mom. It is Ten Favorite Movie Quotes.  Piece of cake, Ally. I got this!

I have been an avid movie watcher for decades and when I try to think of favorite movie quotes, my brain fills up and I almost get dizzy from the overload.  Ok, that may be the cheap red wine, but I do have lots of favorite quotes.  Like many women I know, I adore a good love story, but I’m also crazy about good comedy, suspense, adventure, and drama.  And when the movie industry can successfully turn my favorite books into movies worthy of my time….well all becomes right with the world.

So, let us proceed, shall we?

******************

Jerry Maguire    You had me at hello.

Awwww.  Just awwww. The stuff of which sweet dreams and warm fuzzies are made. Or insert your own pleasurable effect.

****

Dirty Dancing    Nobody puts baby in a corner.

This inspired me like crazy. Can’t remember why, but it did. And then I danced like nobody was watching. I busted some moves. Or I busted something. Whatever. I stayed out of the corner, baby.

****

National Lampoon’s Vacation   Dad, is that made up?  It sounds made up.

Repeated countless times by everyone in our family over the years.  In fact both my sons and I know all the lines to this movie. Don’t judge. The diagnosis for this affliction isn’t in yet.

****

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone   She needs to sort out her priorities.

Ron, talking about Hermione. I couldn’t get this line out of my head. Or the British accent.

****

Silence of the Lambs   I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Okay, I didn’t sleep at all the night I watched this movie. Bone chilling line. That being said, I think a little pasta may have completed the meal and been even more pleasing to the palate.

****                                                                                                                                                                               

When a Stranger Calls   Have you checked the children?

If this line didn’t scare the bageezus out of you, you must have been hooked to a Valium IV.

****

The Hunger Games   May the odds be ever in your favor.

Unique quote by the character Effie Trinket, never to be forgotten by fans of this series…both the books and the movie. Effie’s a babe. Her lipstick had me all a-tremble. Just sayin..

****

The Hangover   There is a tiger in the bathroom!

Still laughing at this line. The picture in my mind of the guy's face when he saw the tiger. Plus the fact that he looked so raunchy in his underwear. The next time I did laundry, I added extra bleach.

****

When Harry Met Sally    I’ll have what she’s having.

Best.Line.Ever. I don’t think anyone could fake orgasm as well as Meg Ryan did. Ever. Of course, I wouldn’t know much about that stuff.  Really.

****

The Wizard of Oz    Here’s just three of many memorable quotes from this timeless movie.  Makes me miss being a kid.

I know I have a heart because I feel it breaking.

And

Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.

And

There’s no place like home!

*****************

Those were just a few of my favorite movie quotes.  From just a few of my very favorite movies.  Holler if you agree and let me know your faves!  This, and the cold Vegas weather, makes me want to curl up in my blankie, watch a movie, eat some popcorn, and forget about all the yucky housework that needs my attention.

*****************

Sunday
Dec022012

Monday Listicles - Ten Reasons I Rock

 

 

Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for Monday Listicles. This week's list is Ten Reasons I am Great.  Oh lordy....

When I first saw this topic, I almost gathered up all my writerly toys, stuck out my pouty lip, and resumed my normal position in the corner of my living room, staring at the TV. But then I remembered I am always up for a challenge. Oh no, Ms. Stasha, you can’t scare me away by insisting I write good things about myself. My normal modus operandi on this blog is to troll for laughs by pointing out my many and varied deficiencies. It’s what I do.

 But I can find ten reasons I Rock.  Just give me a sec….

Ok I’m ready!

Just remember you asked….

  • I Rock because I have lived 59 years and never been in jail.  Shaking your head in disbelief?  If you knew all the mischief I’ve been into during those 59 years, you’d be pretty damned impressed.  I can talk my way out of most anything.  It’s my charm.
  • I Rock because I graduate with my Masters degree in two weeks, with a 4.0.  The not-so-rocking part is that I freaking owe a million dollars in student loans.  Not really a million, but may as well be.
  • I Rock because I have some really gorgeous sons and grandsons!  They get it from me.  Actually, they look just like their fathers, but whatever.  They get the “twinkle in their eyes” from me. That’s the important part.
  • I Rock because I am unique. I am not fond of multi-tasking…much prefer the uni-task.  I am comfortable in my own skin, wrinkles and all.  I prefer intimate gatherings to crowds.  I cherish my alone time. No one is quite like me, and for that, I am quite proud.  It’s good to be weird. And proud.  But mostly weird.
  • I Rock because I have a wicked-good imagination.  I was built for fiction.  Seriously. Now that grad school is over, just watch me working my fiction production line.  It’ll make you dizzy.  Promise!
  • I Rock because I get it.  I understand the fact that life is meant to be enjoyed, not just endured.  I eat my food slowly, sip my wine appreciatively, and enjoy a really good belly laugh. I try not to fart in front of others, though. Even if it would feel good.
  • I Rock because I have long hair. I’m an older woman with long hair. I am a rebel. I’m not cutting my hair because people say I should.  So what, if I plug the shower drain and have to dig big yucky, nasty clumps of hair out on a regular basis.  Don’t even try and tell me to cut my hair!  Just buy me a new plunger and a can of Drano for Christmas.  I’ll be stylin’.
  • I Rock because I love my family and dear friends with everything I’ve got. I don’t hold back. That kind of love can cause heartache and pain, but it also brings insurmountable joy.  I’ll take what I can get.  Life is short.  Be kind to your enemies.  Hug a tree.  Smoke more weed so you don’t beat the shit out of your noisy neighbors.
  • I Rock because I’m running out of reasons and I just keep on listing things.  Three words:  Stamina, stubbornness, and stupidity.

I Rock, therefore I am.

I am, therefore I Rock?

Rock on, Monday Listicles!