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Entries in Monday (16)

Monday
Sep162013

Monday Listicles - Ten things on which I crush

Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for  Monday Listicles.

From the moment I came out of the womb and saw light, I am quite sure I began crushing on something. That particular moment, it was either the nurse or the doctor…..or maybe a breast.  That would have been a natural crush, I guess. 

From there, I moved on to favorite blankies and pacifiers to stuffed animals and strained spinach. I’m totally lying here as I have no idea but needed a segway to my next crush era.

As a pre-teen, I crushed on red licorice, Sweet Tarts, The Monkees and Paul Revere and the Raiders.  Oh yea, and that boy in the back of my class who sat slumped in his chair and slept half the time.  He was too cool for school.

As a teen, I crushed on the captain of the football team who didn’t even know my name and had never even looked at me.  But I had a hard crush on that guy.  I would have been his love slave, if I had any idea what that meant back then.

OK enough about past crushes. You get the idea. I am a crusher. I crush. It is what I do.  Don’t judge. It keeps me from completely accepting my mundane existence.  There’s always that little sliver of hope that some of my celebrity crushes might someday become a reality.

When hell freezes over.

And Vegas gets a blizzard in July.

And  Detroit wins a Super bowl.

Bwahahahaha. 

Anywho.

Here are the Ten Things on which I have a crush:

  • Jennifer Lopez
  • Vanilla Latte coffee
  • Writing.
  • Downton Abbey
  • George Clooney
  • The Rolling Stones
  • Diet Pepsi
  • Wine
  • Chocolate
  • The Denver Broncos

So there you have it, my list. Nothing weird.  Oh, I could make a weird list, but I don’t want to scare anyone away.  So I present my regular list.  I crush on each thing differently.  For example, my crush on  chocolate is not the same as my crush on Jennifer Lopez.

Wait, maybe it kinda is.

Never mind.

Have a great Monday.  What’s your crush?

 

 

 

Sunday
May262013

Monday Listicles - Ten reasons to make a list. Or not.

 

Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for her 100th Monday Listicles.  Congratulations Stasha! 

This week's topic was to be something about lists or listicles.  Easy enough for a List Ninja such as myself.  I am pretty sure I will kill with this one.

Even if nothing on my list has been researched, rehearsed, pre-tasted, or approved by a government agency.

Sometimes a girl has to go to her happy place where nothing is real and the cocktail waitress stops by often, and sometimes spends the night.  And so, from my happy place, and with absolutely no concern for my literary (or otherwise) reputation, I give you:

**********************

Ten reasons to make a list. Or not.

  • Gives you an alibi for watching mindless television. You can make a list while watching Honey Boo Boo and call it multitasking.  Boom!
  • Keeps life in order.  Heaven forbid you and your OCD self would ever forget your list, though. Your loved ones would have no choice but to get the tranquilizer gun out and use it on you.  What?  Have you SEEN yourself without a list?  It’s not pretty.
  • Makes you appear as if you have your shit together.  People will put you on a pedestal.  People will emulate you.  The joke’s on them.  Underneath the Botox, spanks, and teeth-whitening strips, you are really a fucking mess. But with a list, no one has to know!
  • Saves extra trips to the supermarket.  Except for the trip home you have to make to retrieve the list you forgot in the first place.
  • Saves money. Also saves all the back-tracking you have to do in the supermarket because you left your list in the produce department, amongst the bananas, while you were staring at the hottie in tight jeans. Hopefully, they didn’t get you on camera for abusing that banana.  The produce department is such a naughty place!
  • Makes life easier.  Make a daily To-Do list and carry it with you throughout your day.  That way you won’t have to hunt for the list to transfer uncompleted items to next day’s list.  And to make things even easier, just laminate the To-Do list and start over each day.  You know you’re not really going to clean that oven or scrub that trash can anyway.  That’s what husbands/kids/maids/gullible friends are for. 
  • Can be used to efficiently delegate duties.  Make a nice, long grocery list. Herd the family into the minivan. Cruise on over to your favorite supermarket.  Rip list into equal pieces and dispense to family members. Then let them go at it.  What’s so great about this?  You were smart enough Not to take a piece and can relax with a Latte at the Starbucks next door.  Brilliantly orchestrated, you brainiac you!
  • Aids in personal perception.  Make a list of all the sexy things about yourself. Then share your list with your partner.  Watch your partner’s reactions carefully.  If your partner falls out of chair with laughter, your personal perception is all fucked-up.  If said partner smiles just a bit, then looks at you and says your list is spot-on, don’t believe it for a second. You need to forget about your personal perception, and find out what the sneaky bitch is up to.
  • Is an excellent way to assign chores.  Hang a huge whiteboard in a high-traffic area of your home. List and assign household duties to everyone in the family.  Then put padlocks on the frig and all the cupboards.  Hold a friendly family meeting where you promise to produce the keys when all assigned duties are completed.  End the meeting by calmly stating, “You can either Comply or Starve. I’m good either way”.
  • Aids in public speaking.  A good speaker uses notes on a few key points in order to provide an informative and interesting presentation.  A popular speaker makes a list of amusing anecdotes on which to refer if needed. A really smart speaker memorizes the whole speech, but also makes a list of all the exit doors in case her brain takes a crap and her audience goes postal.

******************

There you have it.  My own twisted view on using lists to your advantage.

 My work here is done. Now, where’s that cocktail waitress?

 


**Image from Google Images

 

Sunday
May052013

Monday Listicles - Ten FREE things I love

 

 Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for Monday Listicles.

This week's topic wasn't as easy for me as others have been. We were supposed to list ten free things we love. It was kinda tough. I had to get in touch with my 'inner goodness' and find a way to be happy about not spending money.  

This was a stretch for me.  

But once I reached deep DEEP inside, I was able to find a few FREE things that turn me on.  So let's get on with it, shall we?  I'm going shopping after this.

**********************

Ten FREE things I love. Really. Honest. I'm not kidding either.

  • Ten minute massage from that special someone. Or anyone really. I can always close my eyes and pretend it’s Jennifer Lopez.
  • Nine minute power naps, in-between two hour writing sessions that suck the life out of me. Those power naps are truly my salvation. The wine helps, too.
  • Eight hours of quality sleep without a bathroom run. Sadly, this is no longer my reality.
  • Seven ice cubes in my iced tea. No, I’m not exposing my OCD. That will be another blog post, another day.  Seven ice cubes just make me happy. Not eight. Not six.  Seven ice cubes do it for me. Don’t judge.
  • The number Six. My favorite number. Not many people like that number.  I don’t run with the pack.  I can’t help it if my brain has its own cell tower.
  • Five minutes searching for sunglasses that are actually on my head. I don’t love this, but I stuck it in for a laugh. Or some pity. I’ll take either.
  • Four minutes sharing. This is my touchy-feely contribution. Don’t get used to it. Just go forth and share. It will make you feel good.
  • Three hours being impulsive. Or 59 years, 7 months, 29 days, 22 hours, and 39 minutes. I am a fan of whimsical behavior. It has given me many opportunities but caused me a few migraines and a lot of cash if you count the gambling.
  • Two minutes in ecstasy. Hell, I’ll take half of that and use the other half of the time expressing my undying gratitude. I’m not getting any younger!
  • One minute reflecting on this, my amazing life.  I try to do this at least once a day. It keeps me balanced and grounded.  If I haven’t remembered to smile all day, this brings my smile.

 

Image from Google Images

Sunday
Apr212013

Monday Listicles - Ways to spend 30 minutes (the clean version)

 

 

Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for Monday Listicles.

When I saw this week’s topic, my mind immediately turned toward the gutter and I had to perform a sharp U-turn to keep from utter and downright bloggedy shame.  Fortunately, after several 30 minute intervals of ponderous introspection and a stern scolding from that pesky angel on my other shoulder, I was able to come up with a really boring clean list of ways to spend 30 minutes.  So buckle your seat belts so you don’t fall off your chair when I put you to sleep.  I’m keeping it clean, but like President Carter once said, “I lusted in my heart.”  

Or was that one of the Bush’s? 

Never mind. Let’s move along, shall we?

**********************

Without further adieu, and with very little previous training in time management, I give you

  Ways to Spend 30 Minutes:

*****

Stupid way to spend 30 minutes:  Regretting past actions/choices.

Stupider way to spend 30 minutes:  Saying “why me?”

Stupidest way to spend 30 minutes:  Hating someone.

Sexy way to spend 30 minutes:  The tease.

Sexier way to spend 30 minutes:  The foreplay

Sexiest way to spend 30 minutes:  Using your imagination.

Kind way to spend 30 minutes:  Hand written letter to a dear friend.

Kinder way to spend 30 minutes:  Making someone’s life easier without expecting anything in return.

Awkward way to spend 30 minutes: Walking into an Overeaters Anonymous meeting, smelling like the In-N-Out burger you just ravished.  This could also be a dangerous way to spend 30 minutes.

More awkward way to spend 30 minutes:  Walking into a Sexual Addictions meeting, smelling like the In-N-Out burger you just ravished. This could also be a kinky way to spend 30 minutes.

Embarrassing way to spend 30 minutes:  Walking through the mall with toilet paper streaming out of your pants. Streaming TP is never going to catch on as a fashion accessory, but there is an upside. You wouldn’t have to worry about being stranded with an empty roll.

Smart way to spend 30 minutes:  Meditation. Rest the mind.

Annoying way to spend 30 minutes:  Waiting in the queue line at Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market. However, the entertainment value gleaned from people-watching may be worth the wait. You can play “Count the butt cracks” in your head and no one will have any idea why there’s a wicked grin on your face.

How to completely waste 30 minutes:  Letting yourself down. Spreading gossip. Being judgmental.

Nice way to spend 30 minutes:  Take a nap! 

Nicer way to spend 30 minutes:  A spooning nap for two!

Nicest way to spend 30 minutes.  One nap. Two consenting adults. Hold the nap.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sunday
Jan272013

Monday Listicles - Stuff I wanted to be when I grew up

Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for Monday Listicles. I almost passed this challenge up due to laziness.  Then I finished my coffee, took a much needed shower, and the world looked almost tolerable once again.  So, with my caffeine-induced energy and my unwavering resolve to entertain, I humbly offer this week’s listicles.

**********************************

Ten things I wanted to be when I grew up

  • My first listicle actually covers the first five things I dreamed about becoming. As is with most children, I wanted to be stuff when I grew up.  Stuff like nurse, teacher, firefighter, princess, and mother.  And this was just when I was five years old. How’d that turn out? Well, one out of five ain’t bad. I became a mom. Only, my dreams of mommyhood back then consisted of my looking and performing just like Mrs. Cleaver and cooking like Betty Crocker.  Epic. Fail.  After that, my delusions of future grandeur intensified every time I was exposed to any modicum of success.  Gullible was my middle name. Branded by the Big G.  I have never recovered, sadly.

But let us not dwell. Let us move on. Quickly.

 

  • When I was eight years old, I participated in a science fair, and did well enough to be invited to bring my experiment to the state science fair.  It was a heady experience for a little girl.  So of course, I aspired to be a great scientist when I grew up.  How’d that turn out?  Well, I can boil water and tell the difference between salt and sugar.  And those Scrubbing Bubbles in the toilet really intrigue me.
  • When I was nine years old, my teacher read the most amazing book to the class, one chapter each day.  The book was titled Island of the Blue Dolphins. I was so obsessed with that book; I checked it out from the school library over and over again until they made me stop.  It fueled my adventurous side.  I wanted to be a great whale hunter.  How’d that turn out?  Well, sometimes I feel like a whale, depending on the scale reading of the day.  I don’t like to fish, though.  The whole worm-on-the-hook thingy.  Uh, no.

  • When I was twelve years old, I wanted to be a singer in a pop rock band. I was mesmerized by The Monkees and Paul Revere and the Raiders, etc.  I figured if I became a famous singer, I might be able to get Davy Jones’ attention.  How’d that turn out?  My Mom squashed my aspiring singing career by telling me to “shut the hell up, Theresa. You can’t sing for shit.”   Thanks Mom, for that raw albeit unsolicited advice.  However, she was right, so I proceeded to invent ‘air singing’.   It’s known as lip-syncing now, but it was actually invented by yours truly.  What?  You don’t believe me?  I also invented the internet.  So there.

Again, let’s just move on, shall we?

  • When I was fourteen, I wanted to be a band conductor. I was in the band at school, and I played the snare drum.  When I say I played the drum, I wouldn’t exactly call what I did playing.  It was bad, people. I was ranked seventeenth chair in the percussion group of seventeen. I didn’t care…I just kept banging away on my drum.  I remember thinking if I was the band conductor, I could have just waved my drum stick in the air and conducted, instead of trying to actually make music with it.  That would have been freaking awesome.  How’d that work out?  Well, I can dance.  That’s as rhythmic as I dare to get. Unless you count the snoring minuets I perform during slumber.  I have been told they could wake the dead.  From that analogy, I choose to believe I have talent. Glean from it what you wish.

  • When I was sixteen, I wanted to be an airline stewardess. I was addicted to a magazine called Seventeen.  I spent hours thumbing through its pages, and one day there was an article about the life of an airline stewardess.  It looked glamorous. I was hooked.  I began steadily daydreaming/planning about my future life as a stewardess. I would make elaborate plans of how my apartment would be decorated and how handsome my boyfriend(s) would be. How’d that turn out?  Well, I went in the Air Force instead, and married a handsome guy and got divorced a couple years later.  So I guess I almost got that one right, if you factor in The Mile High Club and subtract the bad airplane cuisine and coming out of the closet.

That concludes my childhood aspirations.  I left out a few other occupations because I didn’t have any witty stories to back them up.  I mean, what can one really say about wanting to be a funeral director, meter maid, Ferris-wheel operator, elevator concierge, or ice cream truck driver?

I was, and still am, a dreamer with no boundaries.

It is a joy as well as my Achilles

And just for today, my Monday Listicles.  

 

 

** Images from Google Images

Monday
Nov122012

Monday Listicles - Nine lies and one truth

 

  

Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for Monday Listicles. This week's list is Nine Lies and One Truth. This one was easy for me because my specialty is making things up.  I’m a fiction writer. We do that. So this is gonna be fun. Many of you know me, however, so I have to really conjure up my creative juices here.  Most things on my list will be completely untrue, but some of my “untruths” will or may be partially true, but not 100%.  One thing on my list will be completely true. Hold on to your imaginary seat belts, people.  In the famous words of Super Mario….”Here I go!”

  • Okra is my favorite vegetable.  I could eat okra all day long.  Honest.  Yummy. I mean it. I seriously love me some okra.
  • I won second place in a hot chili contest in San Antonio, Texas once.  The winner got $100 and I got a piece of paper and a handshake.  Rip off!
  • I once shook President Carter’s hand.  I still remember how clammy his handshake was.  Not strong at all. I was a bit disappointed about that, oddly enough.
  • I went to a male strip bar with several of my lesbian friends once. I won’t tell this story because it is simply too much information.  It was fun though!
  • I make the best chicken ‘n dumplings in the world.  The whole wide world. Did I say world?  Because I meant the universe.  My chicken ‘n dumplings would give Ms Paula Dean an orgasm. 
  • I fell off a ski lift once.  In New Mexico. I landed in a big snow drift and was perfectly ok.  Once they dug me out. The rest of the day, I hung around the club house and got snockered.
  • I once went out on a date with two men at one time.  What can I say?  I was (and still am!) quite a charmer.  (Did we have sex?  I’ll never tell….)
  • I once caught a stingray when fishing in Florida.  I was with my family, using just a bamboo fishing pole, and a big old stingray clamped on to my line.  Scared the bageezus out of me.  Dad just told me to drop the pole.  Not a problem, Dad.
  • I used to collect soaps from different hotels in which I stayed.  That little problem led to the collection of wash cloths, which then led to water glasses, and then towels…..and finally, anything that was not nailed down.  I never got caught.  I do feel some remorse, though.  And just in case you’re wondering, I never ever ever, stole a Bible.  That would just be wrong.
  • I sleep with my Jennifer Lopez doll and my Mickey Mouse stuffed pillow. Don’t judge.

***********

So, which one is completely true?  

 

 

 

 

This one was easy for me because my specialty is making things up.  I’m a fiction writer. We do that. So this is gonna be fun. So many of you know me, however, so I have to really conjure up some creative juices here.  Most things on my list will be completely untrue, but some of my “untruths” will or may be partially true, but not 100%.  One thing on my list will be completely true. Hold on to your imaginary seat belts, people.  In the famous words of Super Mario….”Here I go!”

Okra is my favorite vegetable.  I could eat okra all day long.  Honest.  Yummy. I mean it. I seriously love me some okra.

I won second place in a hot chili contest in San Antonio, Texas once.  The winner got $100 and I got a piece of paper and a handshake.  Rip off!

I once shook President Carter’s hand.  I still remember how clammy his handshake was.  Not strong at all. I was a bit disappointed about that, oddly enough.

I went to a male strip bar with several of my lesbian friends once. I won’t tell this story because it is simply too much information.  It was fun though!

I make the best chicken ‘n dumplings in the world.  The whole wide world. Did I say world?  Because I meant the universe.  My chicken ‘n dumplings would give Ms Paula Dean an orgasm. 

I fell off a ski lift once.  In New Mexico. I landed in a big snow drift and was perfectly ok.  Once they dug me out. The rest of the day, I hung around the club house and got snockered.

I once went out on a date with two men at one time.  What can I say?  I was (and still am!) quite a charmer.  (Did we have sex?  I’ll never tell….)

I once caught a stingray when fishing in Florida.  I was with my family, using just a bamboo fishing pole, and a big old stingray clamped on to my line.  Scared the bageezus out of me.  Dad just told me to drop the pole.  Not a problem, Dad.

I used to collect soaps from different hotels in which I stayed.  That little problem led to the collection of wash cloths, which then led to water glasses, and then towels…..and finally, anything that was not nailed down.  I never got caught.  I do feel some remorse, though.  And just in case you’re wondering, I never ever ever, stole a Bible.  That would just be wrong.

I sleep with my Jennifer Lopez doll and my Mickey Mouse stuffed pillow. Don’t judge.

 

 

 

 

Sunday
Nov042012

Monday Listicles - Five Not-So-Distant Memories






   

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Hello Monday people! I’m linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for Monday Listicles. When I saw the subject for this week’s Listicles, I could not resist. And, folks hang on to your time capsules because I have me some awesome memories.

As for the “not-so-distant” part…well that’s relative to the person having said memories, wouldn’t you agree?  In other words, my memories from the not-so-distant past may have been ten years back, twenty tops.  A person half my age wouldn’t have nearly as big of a not-so-distant past window as I have.  Hence the relativity.  Or some such theory-type thingy.

I seemed to have reached a whole new level of digression.  Must be the lack of wine in my system. Oh how I miss the grape. 

There I go again. Feel free to stop me. Or give me something to occupy my mind. Donations happily and gratefully accepted.  Red wine. White wine. Boxed wine. Wine and cheese. Port wine. Money for wine. Wine and sympathy.

Oh wait, that’s supposed to be tea and sympathy. 

I wonder what I can get for medicinal purposes?

***************

OK, I’m ready to make my list now.  My apologies. My mind wanders. It’s this diet I’m on. So if you can’t procure me some cheap booze or medicate me, just shoot me, will ya?  Two more weeks on rabbit food and I’ll be ready to shoot myself.

  • Which brings me to my number one not-so-distant past memory.  This plant-based diet I am on for 28 days.  I will be quite happy to completely forget about it. Meat.  It’s what should be for dinner.

  • My number two not-so-distant past memory would be the launching of Sara’s Sleep in July of this year.  It was such a huge moment for me, one I’ll never forget.  Thank you dear Karla for making that a reality for me. Now if you could just sprinkle some more of your magical fairy dust on my next book, I’d be eternally grateful. 

 

  

                                  This is Karla from Telega Tales and Tart Cookies

 

  • My number three not-so-distant past memory would be starting Grad School when I was 57 years old. What the hell was I thinking?  I’m now working on my thesis while simultaneously biting my nails to the quick and batting my head against the wall, while managing to maintain my pristine “Little Suzie Homemaker” image in my tattered, but ultra-fem apron.  I’m amazing. I know. It is a curse.  It is extreme multi-tasking, and considered lethal if not executed properly.  Do not try this at home people!  I used to have a lot more hair. 

Grad School:  It seemed better than getting a real job

  • My number four not-so-distant past memory is my job from hell. I’m happy to be getting a paycheck, but literally have to drag myself into my home-office to begin work each shift.  I listen to Apple fanatics, haters, crazy people, clueless people, scary people, not-so-sure-they-are-actually-people people, jackasses, drunks, and spoiled little rich tweenies with every Apple product ever invented and an entitled attitude to match their screechy little irritating voices. When I finally do find another job…and trust me when I say I’m looking…I will never ever ever ever…no never ever,  get back together with Apple.  Like…never.  (Did I do that right Miss Swift?)   Did I say ever?  Because I meant NEVER.

 

  • My number five not-so-distant past memory is a good one.   I know griping and whining about stuff can be quite funny, so that’s why I do it. However, my last listicle on this subject of not-so-distant memories has to be the wedding of my older son Abraham, to his lovely bride Amanda, this past June.  It was a beautiful day, and one that will stay in my memories forever.  Witnessing the union of two young, amazing people who were meant to be together brought joy and peace to my heart.  I know my son is happy, and that’s all a Mom really wants for her child, however old he happens to be.  We just want them to be happy.  And he is.  

 

So that’s it.  I could have gone for ten, but as you rub your sore eyes from the lengthy read, you are most likely agreeing that five was enough.  Thank you for visiting.   Please feel free to share your memories in the comments below.   Doesn’t matter how  “not-so-distant in the past” they are.

Peace. Love. Happy Listicles.

Sunday
Sep302012

Monday Listicles - Ten things I love about autumn

 

Happy Monday!  I’m linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for Monday Listicles.  This week’s list is Ten thing I love about autumn. Truthfully, I could list dozens and dozens of things I love about fall, but I did manage to narrow it down to ten pretty darned good ones.  Fall is my very favorite time of year. Food, football and fresh air.  Why fresh air, you ask? Because I can finally go outside without burning to a crisp.  Gotta NOT love those Vegas summers. I think my very favorite thing about fall is that it's not summer any more.  That's kinda sad, no?

Anywho, here goes...

************

Ten things I love about autumn

 

  • A really good cup of coffee to take off the morning chill. And the evening chill. There’s also the fact that I’m addicted and need my caffeine. So keep the path clear between me and the coffee pot, please.
  • Football to take out my sportish frustrations. Don’t ask. Okay you can ask but it won’t be pretty.

Denver Broncos Cheerleaders - Gosh I love football!

  • A really good cup of coffee. With a generous squirt of Baileys Irish Crème. Baby oh baby. Smooth, sweet, and sexy. Best way to drink coffee. I wouldn’t lie to you about a thing like that.

 

  • The beautiful fall colors. Everywhere but Vegas. I have to Google my fall colors and stare at a computer to get my fix.  That’s just wrong on several levels.

  • A really good cup of coffee. With a generous squirt of Hazelnut flavoring.  And a good book . And a roaring fireplace. Oh yea, and a redhead.  Just to keep with the “colorful” theme, you understand.
  • Fall TV shows.  So glad Grey’s Anatomy, Revenge, The Good Wife, Dancing with the Stars, and Once Upon a Time are back!   I can do without the freaking political ads, though. 
  • A really good cup of hot chocolate.  And not from an envelope. Homemade with chocolate and milk.  Ohhhhh.  How many Weight Watcher’s points?  I don’t know. I look the other way. Shhh, please don’t tell on me.
  • Cooler weather.  In Vegas, we finally dip down under the 100’s around October, and enjoy glorious weather until the following May. Don’t hate. We win.
  • A really good glass of wine.  Preference is a nice merlot, room temperature.  Make that two glasses. And where did that redhead go?

  • Pumpkin pie.  I begin the cravings in October and they don’t end until January. I can’t control it. It’s bigger than me.  I just go with it. It is pumpkin pie, people!   It would be un-American to turn such basic goodness down.   And please, don’t be stingy when cutting my slice, either.  Or you could just bring me the whole pie and a fork. I’ll take it from there.

 

 *Images from Google Images