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Friday
Feb212014

Fruity Friday and Random Acts

Pure guilt motivated this blog post.  My last post was nineteen days ago. I realized my faithful readers have been deprived of my wit, wisdom and whimsy long enough.  I can’t even imagine how excruciating that must have been for you.  Alas, the long wait is over! Yours truly is here now, and I have exactly what you need.  So, let’s do this, shall we?

Being a caring and compassionate person is not easy.  With it comes the obligation to do nice things for people.  I’m pretty sure that’s how the whole “random acts of kindness” idea works and how it was born.  Personally, I am a huge proponent of this way of thinking.  It’s good to be good.  Everybody wins.

I am all for being random, whether it’s for kindness, weirdness, or even lust. Random puts the fun back in life. Just doing something for the hell of it, without thinking, fretting or planning, makes it all the sweeter. 

Okay, so you know about random acts of kindness and you’ve probably guessed the meaning of random acts of lust.  But, you are probably still wondering what random acts of weirdness are and how you can be a part of this intriguing new trend.  I will try to unlock the secrets and juicy details in order to quench your thirst for being trendy. Hell, we may even make a new hash tag:  #randomactsofweirdness

Random acts of weirdness only happen to people who fit a certain criteria:

  • A tendency toward the geeky side of things.
  • A tendency to spill things. Your shirt is almost always wet with food/beverage.
  • A tendency to join things of which you know nothing about.  I don’t recommend sky-diving.  Just sayin.
  • A tendency to devour every self-help book you can find in hopes of learning about your twisted  unique situation.  Sidebar:  You fail miserably. Every time.
  • A tendency to trip over your own shadow while trying to shake hands with said shadow. Because, for just a nano-second you forgot the shadow was you and desperately needed some companionship.  Don’t fret little one.  I don’t judge.
  • A tendency to not be able to walk and chew gum simultaneously. However,  you can solve all the equations written on the white board in the show The Big Bang Theory.  Sheldon has nothing on you.

If you can relate to one or several of the criteria above, you may be suffering from random acts of weirdness.  But not to worry because it is virtually painless and treatable.  I hear medicinal marijuana is particularly helpful in this type of situation.

How do you know if you’ve committed a random act of weirdness?   That’s a tough question to answer, as everyone’s weirdness-meter is calibrated differently.  And since this writer is arithmetically-challenged and easily startled by any number sitting inside a parenthesis, there will be no magic algorithm forthcoming.  Or forthwith.  Whatever that means.

Translation:  You’ll need to wing it.

What?  I didn’t promise you a rose garden.  Don’t be so clingy.  Geez.

However and because I don’t want to leave you hanging, I’ve created a list of a few widely-known random acts of weirdness.  And by widely-known, I mean I made them up.  So here goes:

  • You get out of bed one bright, sun-shiny day, and take your cats for a walk.  All nine of them.
  • You finally get up the nerve to call that hotty you met last Friday night, but keep hanging up because you can’t remember your name.  So you go to In-N-Out Burger instead.
  • While trying to commit a random act of kindness, you get side-tracked by trying not to step on the cracks in the sidewalk, as you wouldn’t want to break your Momma’s back.  You’re welcome for that semi-melancholy visit back to your tortured childhood.
  • While you pride yourself on being a rabid reader, you tend toward skipping from book to book just before the ending of each one.  Your reasoning for this is that you are saddened when a book ends, so you have opted to never let that happen again. Closure must not be an issue for you, but please know that this behavior is freaking weird. 

This brings us back to the subject-at-hand, random acts of weirdness.  We all have the gene within us. 

So what do we do about it? 

I’m no doctor, and last time I looked, it wasn’t my day to fix you. Hell, I’m exhausted just from making the diagnosis.  The treatment plan is purely up to you, but you might want to leave a trail of bread crumbs so you don’t get lost.

OR

You could just get snockered and embrace your weirdness. They make straight-jackets in all sizes these days, and a padded cell does sound cozy and comforting.  One could get a lot of writing done in such a place, if they would only allow writing utensils. Crayons don’t count. 

Lastly, you are most likely wondering how I handle my random acts. 

  • Random acts of kindness:  I try to perform daily and discreetly.
  • Random acts of lust:  I’m not allowed to do that or talk about it anymore. And my wife reads this stuff.
  • Random acts of weirdness:  I don’t perform these because my weirdness is a constant. It is always with me.  I’m sure you’ve probably figured that out by now.

 

Happy Friday Random Peeps!   Now go out there and get your random on!


This is not me. It is a random woman

See, there I go being random again! 


Tuesday
Jan142014

Old School Blogging - 2013 Recap

Howdy y’all!  I recently read a fun post on one of my very favorite blogs at Just a Normal Mom. Thank you very much, Ally!  Big Hug! But that’s not the last of it.  Ally got it from the lovely Kim at   All Work and No Play Makes Mommy Go Something Something. Then Kim got it at the miss Elaine-ous life  So, in order to make it mine, I’m copying a copy of the copied copy from the copier. 

 What? Oh never mind.  Here it is…


Old School Blogging – 2013 Recap


1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?
I ate my first McRib from McDonalds. That was a special moment. I also turned 60. That was a WTF moment.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I have yet to ever keep a New Year’s resolution. I keep making them though.  Maybe I should look up that definition for insanity again.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I’m pretty sure at least one or two cats in the neighborhood, from the gawd-awful sounds I tried to sleep through on more than one night.  Or was that the neighbors?  Either way, I’m sure somebody had to be pregnant after that!


4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank God. Lots of prayers went out this last year for some very precious friends and family.


5. What countries did you visit?
Regretfully, no countries, but I was in a state of confusion for a major part of the year.  But that could have been the meds.

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
I want to walk.  That’s it.  It’s all I think about and all I dream about anymore. 

 

7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I tried hard to remember a significant date, but I stayed-in mostly in 2013.  I did turn 60 on Sep 6th. I suppose I’ll remember that until I don’t.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Publishing my 2nd novel, Dark Pretense.  I’m very proud of it. You should read it and tell your friends. I make a quarter or two when you do that. I’m saving up for a new set of teeth and a plane ticket to Hollywood to stalk Jennifer Lopez. She’s not getting any younger, ya know. I want to see her while she’s still hot. So buy my book, please.


9. What was your biggest failure?
Hands down, my biggest failure would be not doing my exercises to strengthen my back and legs as often as I should have. My diet tanked too. I was a real screw-up in the health department.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Lack of mobility and depression.  Hopefully not forever.


11. What was the best thing you bought?
I didn’t do much shopping, but I did try some amazing varieties of new coffee flavors for my Keurig.  It was a coffee adventure, if you will.  Don’t judge.  I’m 60, remember.  It takes a lot less to satisfy at my age. Or so I’ve been told.


12. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, groceries, coffee, wine, and freakin iTunes.  They have movies and music…big deal  But those apps! OMG I went batshit crazy for apps.  That’s what happens when you get an iPhone for the very first time. You lose all control and suddenly, every waking moment exists for your Apple-related addiction.  Warning! You’d better get help. I hear they have their own mafia if you can’t pay up. Just sayin. 

13. What did you get really excited about?

The Denver Broncos, Downton Abbey, pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving. And I totally went nuts when I opened up my new Keurig coffee maker.  I remember the days when “getting really excited” meant something completely different. Oh my, I do sound like a 60 year old.

14.  What song will always remind you of 2013?
Blurred Lines, for crying out loud.  And my eyes are still bleeding from finding the naughty version of it on YouTube.  Don’t go looking.  Well, not with the kids around, anyways.


15. Compared to this time last year, are you:


-happier or sadder?  A little on both ends of the scale, to be quite truthful.
-thinner or fatter?  Thinner, but not a lot, and I am pretty sure stuff shifted. It’s not pretty.

-richer or poorer?   What? Did I drink the last of the Wal-Mart wine again?


16. What do you wish you’d done more of?
So many things.  But mostly, I wish I wouldn’t have hidden away in my apartment all year, just because I couldn’t walk unassisted. It was a waste of so much time.  I missed my friends and family.  I missed going to the movies and out to dinner. I didn’t have to miss those things.  I’m hoping to “grow a pair”  (figuratively of course) and get my butt out and about.  Wave if you see me.  Better yet, buy me a cup of coffee. 


17. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Feeling sorry for myself.

18. How did you spend Christmas?
Alone. Don’t want to talk about it. 

19. What was your favorite TV program?
Downton Abbey 

20. What were your favorite books of the year?
Well, mine of course.  Oh, you mean other people write books?  I’ll have to check that out. 

21. What was your favorite music from this year? 
I’m really really old school when it comes to music.  My druthers haven’t changed in a few years.  I still enjoy Motown, The Rolling Stones, and some country.  I love classical, especially piano, but I’m no authority.  If it sounds pretty, I listen. 

22. What was your favorite film of the year?
My very favorite was Hunger Games, but I haven’t seen the second one yet. So I’m way behind.  I loved Identity Theft, too.  Melissa McCarthy is crazy funny.


23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 60. Blah Blah .  Cake.  Blah Blah.  Wrinkles.  Blah Blah.  Bladder control.  Blah Blah.  Hair dye.  I’m over it.


24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Seeing my sons and DIL, my grandsons, my Dad, my Sis, my best friend, and just enjoying their company.  I need a hug.  


25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013? 
I work at home, and found that colorful men’s boxers and a Broncos t-shirt made the perfect fashion statement. My John Elway bobble-head doll even smiled in approval, I swear he did.

26. What kept you sane?
Hope. My sister’s prayers. My wife’s smile. My best friend’s voice on the phone.  And wine.

 

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013?
The world is going to keep on turning whether or not I get off my ass.  So I need to get off my ass.  


 

Monday
Sep162013

Monday Listicles - Ten things on which I crush

Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for  Monday Listicles.

From the moment I came out of the womb and saw light, I am quite sure I began crushing on something. That particular moment, it was either the nurse or the doctor…..or maybe a breast.  That would have been a natural crush, I guess. 

From there, I moved on to favorite blankies and pacifiers to stuffed animals and strained spinach. I’m totally lying here as I have no idea but needed a segway to my next crush era.

As a pre-teen, I crushed on red licorice, Sweet Tarts, The Monkees and Paul Revere and the Raiders.  Oh yea, and that boy in the back of my class who sat slumped in his chair and slept half the time.  He was too cool for school.

As a teen, I crushed on the captain of the football team who didn’t even know my name and had never even looked at me.  But I had a hard crush on that guy.  I would have been his love slave, if I had any idea what that meant back then.

OK enough about past crushes. You get the idea. I am a crusher. I crush. It is what I do.  Don’t judge. It keeps me from completely accepting my mundane existence.  There’s always that little sliver of hope that some of my celebrity crushes might someday become a reality.

When hell freezes over.

And Vegas gets a blizzard in July.

And  Detroit wins a Super bowl.

Bwahahahaha. 

Anywho.

Here are the Ten Things on which I have a crush:

  • Jennifer Lopez
  • Vanilla Latte coffee
  • Writing.
  • Downton Abbey
  • George Clooney
  • The Rolling Stones
  • Diet Pepsi
  • Wine
  • Chocolate
  • The Denver Broncos

So there you have it, my list. Nothing weird.  Oh, I could make a weird list, but I don’t want to scare anyone away.  So I present my regular list.  I crush on each thing differently.  For example, my crush on  chocolate is not the same as my crush on Jennifer Lopez.

Wait, maybe it kinda is.

Never mind.

Have a great Monday.  What’s your crush?

 

 

 

Sunday
May262013

Monday Listicles - Ten reasons to make a list. Or not.

 

Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for her 100th Monday Listicles.  Congratulations Stasha! 

This week's topic was to be something about lists or listicles.  Easy enough for a List Ninja such as myself.  I am pretty sure I will kill with this one.

Even if nothing on my list has been researched, rehearsed, pre-tasted, or approved by a government agency.

Sometimes a girl has to go to her happy place where nothing is real and the cocktail waitress stops by often, and sometimes spends the night.  And so, from my happy place, and with absolutely no concern for my literary (or otherwise) reputation, I give you:

**********************

Ten reasons to make a list. Or not.

  • Gives you an alibi for watching mindless television. You can make a list while watching Honey Boo Boo and call it multitasking.  Boom!
  • Keeps life in order.  Heaven forbid you and your OCD self would ever forget your list, though. Your loved ones would have no choice but to get the tranquilizer gun out and use it on you.  What?  Have you SEEN yourself without a list?  It’s not pretty.
  • Makes you appear as if you have your shit together.  People will put you on a pedestal.  People will emulate you.  The joke’s on them.  Underneath the Botox, spanks, and teeth-whitening strips, you are really a fucking mess. But with a list, no one has to know!
  • Saves extra trips to the supermarket.  Except for the trip home you have to make to retrieve the list you forgot in the first place.
  • Saves money. Also saves all the back-tracking you have to do in the supermarket because you left your list in the produce department, amongst the bananas, while you were staring at the hottie in tight jeans. Hopefully, they didn’t get you on camera for abusing that banana.  The produce department is such a naughty place!
  • Makes life easier.  Make a daily To-Do list and carry it with you throughout your day.  That way you won’t have to hunt for the list to transfer uncompleted items to next day’s list.  And to make things even easier, just laminate the To-Do list and start over each day.  You know you’re not really going to clean that oven or scrub that trash can anyway.  That’s what husbands/kids/maids/gullible friends are for. 
  • Can be used to efficiently delegate duties.  Make a nice, long grocery list. Herd the family into the minivan. Cruise on over to your favorite supermarket.  Rip list into equal pieces and dispense to family members. Then let them go at it.  What’s so great about this?  You were smart enough Not to take a piece and can relax with a Latte at the Starbucks next door.  Brilliantly orchestrated, you brainiac you!
  • Aids in personal perception.  Make a list of all the sexy things about yourself. Then share your list with your partner.  Watch your partner’s reactions carefully.  If your partner falls out of chair with laughter, your personal perception is all fucked-up.  If said partner smiles just a bit, then looks at you and says your list is spot-on, don’t believe it for a second. You need to forget about your personal perception, and find out what the sneaky bitch is up to.
  • Is an excellent way to assign chores.  Hang a huge whiteboard in a high-traffic area of your home. List and assign household duties to everyone in the family.  Then put padlocks on the frig and all the cupboards.  Hold a friendly family meeting where you promise to produce the keys when all assigned duties are completed.  End the meeting by calmly stating, “You can either Comply or Starve. I’m good either way”.
  • Aids in public speaking.  A good speaker uses notes on a few key points in order to provide an informative and interesting presentation.  A popular speaker makes a list of amusing anecdotes on which to refer if needed. A really smart speaker memorizes the whole speech, but also makes a list of all the exit doors in case her brain takes a crap and her audience goes postal.

******************

There you have it.  My own twisted view on using lists to your advantage.

 My work here is done. Now, where’s that cocktail waitress?

 


**Image from Google Images

 

Sunday
May052013

Monday Listicles - Ten FREE things I love

 

 Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for Monday Listicles.

This week's topic wasn't as easy for me as others have been. We were supposed to list ten free things we love. It was kinda tough. I had to get in touch with my 'inner goodness' and find a way to be happy about not spending money.  

This was a stretch for me.  

But once I reached deep DEEP inside, I was able to find a few FREE things that turn me on.  So let's get on with it, shall we?  I'm going shopping after this.

**********************

Ten FREE things I love. Really. Honest. I'm not kidding either.

  • Ten minute massage from that special someone. Or anyone really. I can always close my eyes and pretend it’s Jennifer Lopez.
  • Nine minute power naps, in-between two hour writing sessions that suck the life out of me. Those power naps are truly my salvation. The wine helps, too.
  • Eight hours of quality sleep without a bathroom run. Sadly, this is no longer my reality.
  • Seven ice cubes in my iced tea. No, I’m not exposing my OCD. That will be another blog post, another day.  Seven ice cubes just make me happy. Not eight. Not six.  Seven ice cubes do it for me. Don’t judge.
  • The number Six. My favorite number. Not many people like that number.  I don’t run with the pack.  I can’t help it if my brain has its own cell tower.
  • Five minutes searching for sunglasses that are actually on my head. I don’t love this, but I stuck it in for a laugh. Or some pity. I’ll take either.
  • Four minutes sharing. This is my touchy-feely contribution. Don’t get used to it. Just go forth and share. It will make you feel good.
  • Three hours being impulsive. Or 59 years, 7 months, 29 days, 22 hours, and 39 minutes. I am a fan of whimsical behavior. It has given me many opportunities but caused me a few migraines and a lot of cash if you count the gambling.
  • Two minutes in ecstasy. Hell, I’ll take half of that and use the other half of the time expressing my undying gratitude. I’m not getting any younger!
  • One minute reflecting on this, my amazing life.  I try to do this at least once a day. It keeps me balanced and grounded.  If I haven’t remembered to smile all day, this brings my smile.

 

Image from Google Images

Sunday
Apr212013

Monday Listicles - Ways to spend 30 minutes (the clean version)

 

 

Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for Monday Listicles.

When I saw this week’s topic, my mind immediately turned toward the gutter and I had to perform a sharp U-turn to keep from utter and downright bloggedy shame.  Fortunately, after several 30 minute intervals of ponderous introspection and a stern scolding from that pesky angel on my other shoulder, I was able to come up with a really boring clean list of ways to spend 30 minutes.  So buckle your seat belts so you don’t fall off your chair when I put you to sleep.  I’m keeping it clean, but like President Carter once said, “I lusted in my heart.”  

Or was that one of the Bush’s? 

Never mind. Let’s move along, shall we?

**********************

Without further adieu, and with very little previous training in time management, I give you

  Ways to Spend 30 Minutes:

*****

Stupid way to spend 30 minutes:  Regretting past actions/choices.

Stupider way to spend 30 minutes:  Saying “why me?”

Stupidest way to spend 30 minutes:  Hating someone.

Sexy way to spend 30 minutes:  The tease.

Sexier way to spend 30 minutes:  The foreplay

Sexiest way to spend 30 minutes:  Using your imagination.

Kind way to spend 30 minutes:  Hand written letter to a dear friend.

Kinder way to spend 30 minutes:  Making someone’s life easier without expecting anything in return.

Awkward way to spend 30 minutes: Walking into an Overeaters Anonymous meeting, smelling like the In-N-Out burger you just ravished.  This could also be a dangerous way to spend 30 minutes.

More awkward way to spend 30 minutes:  Walking into a Sexual Addictions meeting, smelling like the In-N-Out burger you just ravished. This could also be a kinky way to spend 30 minutes.

Embarrassing way to spend 30 minutes:  Walking through the mall with toilet paper streaming out of your pants. Streaming TP is never going to catch on as a fashion accessory, but there is an upside. You wouldn’t have to worry about being stranded with an empty roll.

Smart way to spend 30 minutes:  Meditation. Rest the mind.

Annoying way to spend 30 minutes:  Waiting in the queue line at Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market. However, the entertainment value gleaned from people-watching may be worth the wait. You can play “Count the butt cracks” in your head and no one will have any idea why there’s a wicked grin on your face.

How to completely waste 30 minutes:  Letting yourself down. Spreading gossip. Being judgmental.

Nice way to spend 30 minutes:  Take a nap! 

Nicer way to spend 30 minutes:  A spooning nap for two!

Nicest way to spend 30 minutes.  One nap. Two consenting adults. Hold the nap.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monday
Feb112013

Oh no you didn’t just give me that for Valentine’s Day!

 

Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for Monday Listicles.

Valentine’s Day brings visions of cherubs flying around, the piercing of hearts with those little love arrows, and chocolate induced comas. For those involved in a fresh new love, Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to reinforce those oral commitments by spending economy-changing amounts of currency on splendid offerings such as blingy baubles and decadent doo-hickeys.  

On the other end of the burning-hot-heart-holiday spectrum are those poor souls with no sweetheart for which to present Valentine cards with pledges of their devotion. However, don’t feel sorry for them as they are the lucky ones, with their emotions and their wallets still intact. They also escape the pressure of wearing such gifts as underwear plastered with big red hearts that itch and ride up farther into one’s butt-crackus than should be legally allowed. 

Most of us, however, are stuck smack-dab in the middle of that lovey-dovey Valentine’s craziness.  We are the demographic of long-term-relationshippers.  We are not as romantic as we used to be with our intended/betrothed/wife/husband/sweetheart.  Let’s face it people. We buy Valentine’s crap because we have to.  And we’d better receive Valentine’s crap, too, or there will be hell to pay. 

This brings us to the all-important shopping for our Valentine. Not an easy task. For example, I know exactly the kind of candy my beloved likes, but I still manage to make the whole experience one of stress, sweat, and possible cranial swelling.  I also use it as an excuse to overeat.  One cannot expect to choose the perfect honey-I-love-you-please-just-take-the-gift-and-shut-up-about-it Valentine’s gift on an empty stomach. I usually make a quick drive through In-N-Out Burger and wolf down a soothing Double Double before venturing down the scary Valentine’s card aisle at the Hallmark store.

Frankly, that place scares the shit out of me. I’ve never seen so many reasons to give a card under one roof in my life.  I equate every single reason with some degree of guilt and some past painful experience in my life.   I forget birthdays. I can’t remember which of my partner’s relatives had a baby when.  They are good Catholic people and they have lots and lots of babies.  I can’t keep up with all that. But apparently Hallmark can.  It’s quite disturbing really.  Look around next time you’re in there.  You’ll see what I’m talking about.  Love, my ass!  It’s all about the guilt.

Which brings me to my brief list for today’s Monday Listicles.  A list of gifts you don’t want to even try and give your sweet-thang/hunnybuns/babycakes/main-squeeze/loverlips/pumpkin-puss, etc.  This list includes ‘you really shouldn’t’ gifting for both sexes.  Use whatever is appropriate.  Since I’ve been on both sides of the fence, I feel I am completely qualified to shove this advice your way.  You’re welcome!

Don’t even think about giving HER:

  • Small appliances.
  • Hair coloring kit.
  • Hair removal paraphernalia of any kind.  And stop staring at her chin hairs, at least on Valentine’s Day!
  • Cheap underwear. Women know these things. Trust me.
  • Self-help books.

Side Bar:  If she’s a lesbian, an exception can be made here.  Carpentry and car-repair manuals may be adequate depending on the butch level of said mate.

 

Don’t even think about giving HIM:

  • Opera theatre tickets.
  • Cologne.  Seriously, they don’t want this. They like fart smells.
  • Books made of paper.  If it doesn’t fit on something electronic, move to other choices.
  • Scented candles.  Again, the smell.  Just not on their radar.
  • Pink underwear.  Don’t ask me why I know this. I just do.

Sidebar:  If he’s gay, anything above will do quite nicely, except the books made of paper. Again, the electronic thing.  After all, he is still of the male persuasion.

 

Tuesday
Feb052013

What's on your shopping list?

On many past occasions, the subjects of my blog posts have been prompted by someone else’s blog.  Why spend hours fretting over an amusing and entertaining theme when you can borrow it from a nice blog next door?  You may call it stealing. I call it a time-saving frugality.  It’s a stretch, but let’s run with it, shall we?

My latest blog-subject-idea-lifting-caper came from over at Ally’s place at Just a Normal Mom.  She was listing things found in her purse, and revealed one that was truly near and dear to my heart.

Grocery shopping lists.

After reading her post, my adventurous side surfaced, and I dared to actually empty out the contents of my purse all over the dining room table.  Oh, there were the normal items found in one’s purse like keys, pens, wallet, pictures, comb, nail file, and gum without wrapper…stuck to Chap Stik without lid…stuck to car registration I forgot to put in glove compartment. 

And grocery shopping lists. Dozens of them.  Dating back to who knows when. 

There were lists written on notebook paper, bags, backs of envelopes, napkins, and even the margin of an old newspaper.  Apparently, when I think of something I need, I write it down on anything handy and stick it in my purse. My writing accoutrement can be anything from a pen to lipstick to crayons. I don’t care.

My mission is to get the shit written down before I forget the shit.

My mission is lacking a little something. Perhaps the fact that once said grocery list enters the forbidden dark hole my purse, it never makes it out in time for the intended shopping venture. In fact, if I hadn’t spilled my purse’s guts from curiosity, nary a list would have yet seen the light of day.

So what happens when I go shopping?

I come home with whatever-the-hell catches my eye and spend the next week trying to put together meaningful, healthy, tasty meals from items such as Twizzlers, Totino’s Pizza Rolls, and a big jar of crunchy peanut butter.  It’s a challenge of which I’ve grown alarmingly accustomed.  The only useful technique I’ve been able to grasp and use is upon entering the grocery store, I try to start on a different aisle each time, thus avoiding repetitive dining options.

I am getting older, yes, but I do try to make positive changes in my life whenever I can or there’s nothing more interesting of which to occupy my short attention span.  However, changing my grocery-list-purse-stuffing-ways is just not on my schedule.  After all, it takes talent to shop on a shoestring budget in today’s grocery stores, and if I can do it without a shopping list of which to peruse, I must have a special gift.

Wouldn’t want to deprive the world of my special gifts, now would I?

So here’s my unsolicited but heartfelt advice:  Go forth and shop! Don’t worry about that list. It’s probably safely nestled at the bottom of your purse, among those snotty used tissues and loose Tic Tacs.