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Entries in lesbian (5)

Wednesday
Jan302013

On being who I am

I don’t discuss gay and lesbian issues often on my blog. It is not because I am shy, as I’m sure you’ve all figured out, but rather because the main theme of my blog is humor.  You may often see me refer to my lifestyle in some tongue-in-cheek humorous way.  I fondly write of my infatuation with Jennifer Lopez, and for that, I offer no apologies. Ahem.

All that being said, I am who I am.  And proud, as I should be. Still, I am not a card-carrying, politically centered, save the world with a lesbian sitting like a cherry on top (absolutely no pun intended here…I do confess to a giggle when I thought about it, though) kinda girl. My partner and I have been together sixteen years and married for fifteen.  No, we are not legally married, but ours is just like any other long-term marriage, full of memories, strife, joy and tears. 

I think the reason I wanted to write about being who I am is the fact that I can. No one will shoot me, fire me, or treat me with disrespect.  Oh, some may hate me because of who I am, but I choose to disregard the existence of said hatred and bigotry.  Life is too short to walk around with your head hung and your eyes to the ground.  My enemy is not my haters, but rather my lack of resistance to negativity.  I am getting stronger every day, though, and that enemy gets a little smaller every time I let go of the pain, fear and frustration that comes from my being judged as anything less than equal.

Today the times, they are a changin’!  And thank God for that. Gay people can legally marry in several states and whether you like it or not, we are here to stay.  We’ve always been here, but now we don’t have to live in the shadow of society’s description of normal. 

No, it’s not perfect yet, probably never will be, but the same can be said for equal rights for any minority. It will be a continuous struggle to maintain what we’ve accomplished so far, and make progress for generations to come. 

So when I say I’m proud to be who I am, I say that with a reverent and somber voice, but also a gleeful exuberance filled with hope.  I am also proud to say that my family and my friends share in this hope and open their hearts and minds to those of us who may be just a little different than them.  They step aside their differing political beliefs because they love me for exactly who I am.  Congress could learn a lesson from my dear friends and relatives, indeed!

Life is one big wonderful rollercoaster ride.  I choose to ride hard. I choose to ride without guilt, prejudice, judgment and hatred.  I choose to be true to myself.  Only then can I be of any use to others. 

In concluding, I would like to sing the praises of several blogs I support and enjoy. Please visit them when you have some time.  I know you will want to return again and again:

Erin L. Margolin, The Road to my Writer Roots 

The Gay Dad Project

Lesbian Family

Up Popped a Fox 

Lesbian Dad  

 

Thursday
Dec062012

Can't stop the feelings

The following post should probably be presented (in person) to a licensed psychiatrist or therapist, but I don’t have the money.  So you all get to be my shrinks.  No worries.  You don’t have to do anything.  Just read.  I just need to get some things out of my head before it explodes.  My apologies in advance.  There’s an open bar if you can find the cocktail waitress.

***************

It is 2:20 pm and I’ve been sitting in the living room most of the day.  In fact, I just woke up from a forty-winker that was spent sitting straight up in my lounge chair.  I must possess some special talent to be able to get my Z’s in a fully upright position.  It couldn’t possibly be my getting old(er). Yea, it’s got to be talent.  We’ll go with that.

But let’s get back to the reason for this post.

Sitting in the living room all day without doing anything is not normal.  Not my normal anyway. I got up this morning with more back pain than usual, after having a restless night. I didn’t start the day out right.  I tried writing a witty blog after breakfast, and ended up moving it right over to the Recycle Bin, in a huff.  Because. It. Was. Not. Funny. At. All.

At 9 am my time, I listened to a radio show that was streamed live on the internet from Kansas City.  That was one of the only worthwhile parts of my day so far.  My friend Erin Margolin and her Dad were guests on a local Kansas City radio station, talking about The Gay Dad Project.  It was a well-spent hour.  If you’d like to know more about it, please visit their website at gaydadproject.org.  Listening to Erin’s heartfelt words to her Dad about his coming out when she was 15 brought me back to 24 years ago, when I came out to my son, and then left my husband.  My other son was too young to understand at the time.  I wonder just how much I hurt them by coming out.  I know it was something I had to do, but what a price to pay for freedom! 

So that’s on my mind.

After awhile, I stared at the TV while a deluge of dark and/or weird thoughts flooded my brain.  Questions about my life….all unanswered or with unacceptable answers.

  • What will I do now that I’m finished with school?
  • When is the second Hunger Games movie coming out?
  • Will I actually ever publish my second book? 
  • Are the kids doing okay?  I mean really okay?
  • How am I going to get through Christmas?  
  • Why can’t I make a decent pot of chicken ‘n dumplings? 
  • Am I depressed or just hyped up on sugar again?

I sat there and thought about things.  Like a zombie. Only zombies don’t think, do they?

You see what I mean?  Useless. Pity Party Central. All Aboard!

My best friend undergoes an open-heart, multi-bypass operation tomorrow, and my mind keeps going back to her every few minutes. I just want it to all turn out okay.  My head hurts, my heart is breaking, and my stomach is in knots.  I wish I could be there with her.  Thank God her family is all around her, though.  She’s very, very loved.  She’s that kind of person. 

But that’s not all that has me feeling today.  I wish I could just turn my feelings off.  It seems, when I let myself slow down long enough to feel, all the feelings of every kind, even remotely associated with my life…rush in.  All at once.

So I don’t know how I’m feeling.  I just am.    

 

Wednesday
May302012

A-fictionally-yours

*********

Observations

Maria sat in the booth of the hotel’s lounge, nursing her drink and checking her phone for email every few seconds.  She was on another business trip, sitting in another hotel bar, and drinking yet another watered-down gin and tonic.  This was her life, five days a week on the road.  She’d been locked in the same routine for ten years now, never really having an incentive to change.

Most of the time, Maria barely noticed other patrons from the bars, but tonight was different.  The whole room seemed to take on a new life when a certain woman walked in.  Maria noticed her immediately.  She wore a dark blue business suit, tight skirt, and four-inch black pumps. Her flaming red hair was done-up in a French-twist. Wisps of hair had escaped and were hanging seductively over her face.  She was stunning and Maria felt things stir inside of her that had been dead a very long time.

The redhead walked with self-confidence and attitude, seeming to know that she would catch everyone’s eye wherever she went.  She certainly had caught Maria’s undivided attention.  “She could make my night so much more interesting,” thought Maria.  Smiling to spite herself, Maria gulped her drink, and immediately got up and walked over to the bar to order another.  The woman was seated at the bar, her long legs crossed in such a fashion that couldn’t help but draw an appreciative eye. 

“Another gin and tonic, please,” said Maria.  She unobtrusively looked over at the woman and nodded hello.

The woman smiled and said, “Hello.  You probably should order a double.  They water the drinks down here.”  The woman smiled and shifted her position to indicate she would welcome conversation.

Maria sat down on the stool beside her and said, “Thanks. I’ll do that. I need the buzz. Been a long week.  Are you here on business?”

The woman said, “No I’m meeting my husband.  Or rather my ex-husband as of today.  We’re going to celebrate our divorce.  Is that weird?”  The woman laughed, and Maria was fixated on her full lips and bright teeth. Then she extended her perfectly manicured hand to Maria and said “My name is Susan, by the way.  Nice to meet you.”

So Susan was freshly divorced and probably not looking for new adventures at this juncture in her life.  Too bad.  Maria would just have to enjoy this woman’s charming company for a little while and then go back to her gin and tonic, and her email.  

“I’m Maria,” she offered, and took Susan’s hand gently, probably holding on a little too long.  However, Susan didn’t pull her hand away, but rather smiled and looked at Maria with unmistaken curiosity.

“Hi Maria.  Are you married?”

“No.  I think I may be allergic to marriage.  Besides that, I’m gay and it’s not legal, so that gives me an out,” said Maria.  She let out a nervous laugh and thought it really didn’t sound like her at all.  Why was she trying so hard to impress this woman?  Was she a glutton for punishment? 

Susan’s right eyebrow rose in the most alluring manner as Maria's infatuation increased.  She really was breathtaking.  How could her husband ever have consented to divorce?

Susan didn’t skip a beat. “Well you’re not as safe as you may think. Gay marriage is right around the corner, you know.  And as gorgeous as you are, women will be lining up!”  Having delivered the compliment, Susan reached over and put a hand on Maria’s shoulder.

Tiny bursts of pleasure rocked through Maria’s body, even though the show of affection was obviously only a token offering of friendship.  Whatever it was, Maria felt it and wanted more.

Maria smiled at Susan. “Thanks.  I hope I live long enough to see such a day!  But in the meantime, I’m not looking.  Too much baggage and pain.  Being in love takes a lot out of me.”

“I hear ya!” said Susan, and then she downed her drink. Her phone chirped and she picked it up to check a new text message. 

“Well it looks like my brand new ex is not gonna show tonight.  He obviously can’t wait to start his new life."  This didn't seem to bother her that much as she looked over at Maria.  "Can I buy you another drink?”  She waved the bartender over.

“I’d like that,” said Maria. She said a silent thank you to Susan's ex.

“And let’s get a booth.  What the hell.  I’m ready to start my new life too!” exclaimed Susan.

Maria smiled as she followed her voluptuous new friend over to the booth in the corner.  The night was still young and she had a new spark of energy.  

Susan looked up at her and suggested, “Scoot in over here by me. No need to sit way over there.”

Maria sat down next to Susan.  She put her phone in her purse and took a drink.  Emails could wait.

 *********

 

Thursday
May102012

WTFriday - Never thought I'd see the day

For today’s WTFriday, I’m going to change gears a bit, and instead of blogging silliness, I’m going to blog happiness.  Blissful, proud, surprising happiness. And hope.

 As I’m sure all of you have heard, President Obama recently voiced his support for gay marriage. 

Bravo,  Mr. President!  Bravo!

I don’t talk much about my relationship with my partner on my blog because, for one, she’s not ok with it.  She doesn’t like me to make a big fuss.  She’s a lot quieter than I am.  Heck, I’m lucky she puts up with me at all, truth be told.   Another reason I don’t talk much about me and my partner is because that’s not what this blog is about.   However, just for today, I’m making an exception.

 Joan and I have been together 14 ½ years, and if that’s not marriage, I don’t know what is.  We’ve been through good times and bad times.  Through sickness and in health.  For poorer and even poorer. Well, you get the idea.  She’s been stepmom to my  kids.  She grabs up my grandson and hugs him just as hard as I do.  She taught my younger son to drive when I was too nervous to even get in the car with him.  She suffered through a massive stroke three years ago, and a long recovery, and never complained about life dealing her lemons.  She went back to work and now her paycheck is what is keeping a roof over our heads.  Yes, we are married.  We just don’t have a piece of paper that has been blessed and sanctioned by the government. 

And.

Just because I don’t talk about being a lesbian all the time doesn’t mean I’m not proud of who I am. 

So.

Today I talk about being a lesbian and what it means to me.

It has not always been easy for me, let me tell you.  I left a marriage when I was 35 because I could no longer run from the truth about who I was.  That was one of the hardest times in my life.  My children suffered.  My husband suffered.  None of them deserved to suffer. 

But neither did I.   And I was suffering most of all.

You may be asking if I knew I was gay before I was 35.  Yes, I most certainly did know.  In fact, I knew since I was in high school that I was attracted to women.  However, I am from the South, and I was in high school in the late 60s/early 70s.   I’m sure I don’t have to stress how gays and lesbians were not tolerated much at all back then.   Hell, women were just coming into their own at that time.  I went in the Air Force in 1971 and dealt with an enormous amount of sexual harassment.  There was no recourse back then, either, but thank God things were changing, and within just a few years, women found their voices.   I guess in that respect, I can be proud, because I’m an important part of history, the evolving of women’s equality.  Pretty astounding when you think about it, how far things have come. Some things, that is.

But back to my story.

When I married my first husband, I loved him.  However, I was also attracted to women.  I was a mess back then, let me tell you.  Confused doesn’t even begin to define it. However, I wanted the American dream.  The husband, 2.5 kids and the white picket fence, and I was going to have it, the hell with my sexuality!

I lived in that denial through 17 years and two marriages.  I had two sons with two different husbands, and because of my boys, I wouldn’t change that part of my life for anything.  My sons kept me sane, and as I did them, they breathed life into me.  They still do, even now at 29 and 38.  They are my pride…my heart.  So, no, I don’t regret marrying twice and having children with men.  Both my husbands were and still are, amazing men and we are friends to this day.  They both accept my lifestyle and embrace my partner. 

Weird huh?   I’m lucky, I know.  A lot of gays and lesbians don’t have the transition I had.  Some of them, especially those in my age demographic, never left their “closets” and never realized the kind of love that I have found.  I feel badly for them because I remember it was not easy.  In fact, it took a very long time for it to become easier. 

Nowadays, things are as normal as they can be for two women living in a committed relationship.  We still can’t marry legally, but I’m beginning to believe that we will be able to do that soon.  Things are changing for the better.  I’m holding on to that. 

I don’t want young people to ever have to worry about “coming out of the closet”.  I want them to “live out of the closet” as if there was never a closet.  I want them to be able to love and not be beaten to death by some hate mongers because of who they love.  I want them to NEVER consider suicide because they can’t live in this world that belittles and hates them.  I want them to walk proud and be who they are, beautiful, productive human beings.    

What if your child were gay?  What if your grandchild were gay?  Would you embrace them and support them and accept them?   He/she is still your child/grandchild.  Gay/lesbian doesn’t change that, so why should it change your relationship?  It should not!

Remember, it is not our choice to be gay.  It’s who we are.  The sooner people understand and accept that very real fact, the better off everyone will be.   It’s not easy being who we are, so why would we “choose” it?  

You may not agree with the comparison, but not so many years ago, the very thought of mixed marriage was taboo and completely frowned upon.  Can you even imagine that?   I’m from the south, so I can actually remember snide and prejudice remarks made within my own family against mixed marriages.  Now?  My family has mixed marriages throughout. Now it’s not called “mixed marriage”.  It’s just called marriage.   

I wonder if there will come a day when no one gives a second thought about gay marriage and it is just considered marriage.  Wouldn’t that be a hoot?

So, after our President took his stand on gay marriage, I took a deep, satisfied breath, and thought “I never thought I’d see the day.”   But I did.  And I have to say, once more:

Thank you Mr. President!  

I have always been proud of who I am, but now I’m hopeful.  For others like me. For all the generations to come.

OK, I’m going to find the ladder and climb down off my rather tall soap box now. 

Happy WTFriday everyone!   

 

Images from Google Images

Friday
Mar092012

It's good to be Queen

In the last couple of years, I have become the Queen of the Job Interview.  I am constantly on-the-lookout for a new job and when I do land that “all important” interview, I am so polished, professional and pimped primped that I believe I may be scaring potential employers away.    You be the judge.  Below is an excerpt from a recent interview where I WOW’d them with my awesomeness.  It’s mind-boggling that I didn’t get the job, really.  I’m stumped.  But again, you be the judge.  I share with you three positions on said interview:  1) What I was thinking, 2)  What I should have said, and 3) what I actually did say.   And when you judge?   Be kind.   What have I ever done to you, anyways?   I bring the funny.  You bring the KIND thoughts.  And wine would be nice.

*******************

I walked in and greeted Receptionist Girl, thinking it was a bit difficult to look at her face when her breasts were almost completely exposed and sprawling out all over the desk.   “Good morning”, I said, with my eyes ‘up there’ where they were supposed to be.  It was a challenge for this seasoned lesbian, let me tell you.

“Good morning, maam.  How may I help you?”  Woe, Momma, slow down.  My thoughts are like my eyes right now….not where they should be.   Nothing like being thrown a curve-ball first thing.  The bitch!

“I’m here for a 10 am interview with Jack?”  I managed.   Her breasts were becoming less attractive as my coffee-high began to wear off.  

Receptionist Girl did some computering…..quite business-like.  How she managed to type so fast with those claws, I’ll never know.  She had inches of nails attached to her fingers.  My back suddenly started itching.   I wonder if I asked, she might……?

No, I’d better just stick to business.

“Yes, I’ll let Jack know you are here.  Just have a seat.”  Bubbly bitch.  I found a seat with a tall back and ‘got my scratch on’.   Her nails would have been so much better.  But FOCUS Terri.  Focus!  I was tired of making near-minimum wages, so my natural lesbian flirting skill set had to take a back-seat.  This time.

Suddenly, Jack appeared out of nowhere, put his hand in my face and said, quite loudly, “Good morning Ms. Sonada?  I’m Jack.”   Congratulations, Jack.  I’m so happy you know who you are.   However, I am NOT Ms. Sonada.  I am Ms. Frickin Sonoda.   But I’ll give a pass, this time.  Everybody gets it wrong at first.  “Let’s go into the conference room, just over here.”  He led me into a small room with a table and six chairs  (I’m a stickler for details.  Insignificant ones).

I sat down at the table and Jack sat directly across from me.  I was so very thankful he didn’t have exposed breasts.  I just wasn’t in the mood anymore.  I seriously needed coffee.

JACK:   Ms. Sonada, may I call you Theresa?

What I was thinking:    It’s Terri you idiot.  Terri SonOda.  It’s not rocket science.

What I should have said:    Sure.

What I actually said:    I actually prefer my nickname, Terri, thanks.

Jack:   Terri it is then.  So Terri,  how did you hear about our company?

What I was thinking:    I was drunk-surfing and typed in ‘Luscious Lesbians’ and must have spelled it wrong because ‘Lester’s Lithograph, Inc.’  came up.   OY

What I should have said:   I found your site on the internet, and the position sounded like a perfect fit for me.

What I actually said:   I found you on a job board.  This was a total lie.  Jack probably knew this because he came right back with:

JACK:   Oh?  Which job board was that?

What I was thinking:   Fuck.

What I should have said:   I actually do not recall.  I go through them all every day.  Your company stood out for me though.  Thank you for this opportunity to interview.

What I actually said:   Um, I think it was Monster.  No, wait.  It was Career Builder.  Yes, I’m sure it was.  I think.

JACK:  Well, however you found us, I’m glad you did.

What I was thinking:   Really.  Your face does not match your words.  You are staring at my teeth.  Asshole.  I have bad teeth.  I have no money.  Why can’t you just stare at my breasts like a normal guy would.  They may be 58 years old, but they’ve drawn stares from better looking men than you, buddy boy.  And no I’m not old enough to be your granny.  Am I?

What I should have said:   Me too.  Thank you.

What I actually said:   Me too.  Thank you.   

Score.   I kept my big mouth shut. For once. At this point, I thought it was going quite well.

JACK:    So, Terri, tell me a little bit about yourself.

What I was thinking:   OK here goes.  I’m fucking brilliant and can do this job with my eyes closed.  You’d be lucky to have me.  But you’ll probably hire some 28 year-old with a very short dress and 5-inch Jimmy Choo’s she can’t afford.  Or?  You’ll hire some young punk who looks exactly like you because you are suffering from acute narcissism and need validation.  Either way, you suck.

What I should have said:  Well, I have over twenty years experience in management and the IT field and I hold a Bachelor degree in Business Administration.  I am a strong advocate of good customer service and have an excellent work ethic.  I believe I could bring valuable skills to this position.

What I actually said:   Uh, I have a lot of experience in IT and management.  I have a Bachelors degree in Business.  I think I would be an asset to your company.

Fuck, I was in total Fail at this point.  My mouth was no longer my own.  My mind had left the building much earlier.  A graceful exit and a strong cup of coffee were my only options.

After a few more excruciating questions, Jack hit me with his final all-encompassing brilliance.

JACK:  Terri, do you have any questions for me?

What I was thinking:    Do you shave all around that one whisker on purpose or is there a new fashion-statement of which I am unaware?  And.  Are you banging Receptionist Girl?  I thought I saw a connection.   And.  When I get this job, can I make you my bitch?

What I should have said:   First of all, thank you so much for this opportunity. I do have one question.  Is there a lot of competition for this position?

What I actually said:   Uh.   (crickets crickets crickets).   Uh, no.  I think I’m good.  I do hope to be hearing from you.  

And with this, Jack led me to the door.  I could actually feel the breeze from the door being shut so fast behind me.   I wonder what that meant.   Was Jack in a hurry?   I can’t imagine why he would want me to leave.

I AM the Queen of the Job Interview, after all.

No worries.  I’ll get the next one.  Now back to that computer search……

L U S C I O U S  L E S…..