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   Download Dark Pretense, my 

   latest novel, from Amazon.

      

      Download Sara's Sleep from Amazon

      Perfect for gifts!

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  Author page:    Click HERE

 

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Sunday
May262013

Monday Listicles - Ten reasons to make a list. Or not.

 

Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for her 100th Monday Listicles.  Congratulations Stasha! 

This week's topic was to be something about lists or listicles.  Easy enough for a List Ninja such as myself.  I am pretty sure I will kill with this one.

Even if nothing on my list has been researched, rehearsed, pre-tasted, or approved by a government agency.

Sometimes a girl has to go to her happy place where nothing is real and the cocktail waitress stops by often, and sometimes spends the night.  And so, from my happy place, and with absolutely no concern for my literary (or otherwise) reputation, I give you:

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Ten reasons to make a list. Or not.

  • Gives you an alibi for watching mindless television. You can make a list while watching Honey Boo Boo and call it multitasking.  Boom!
  • Keeps life in order.  Heaven forbid you and your OCD self would ever forget your list, though. Your loved ones would have no choice but to get the tranquilizer gun out and use it on you.  What?  Have you SEEN yourself without a list?  It’s not pretty.
  • Makes you appear as if you have your shit together.  People will put you on a pedestal.  People will emulate you.  The joke’s on them.  Underneath the Botox, spanks, and teeth-whitening strips, you are really a fucking mess. But with a list, no one has to know!
  • Saves extra trips to the supermarket.  Except for the trip home you have to make to retrieve the list you forgot in the first place.
  • Saves money. Also saves all the back-tracking you have to do in the supermarket because you left your list in the produce department, amongst the bananas, while you were staring at the hottie in tight jeans. Hopefully, they didn’t get you on camera for abusing that banana.  The produce department is such a naughty place!
  • Makes life easier.  Make a daily To-Do list and carry it with you throughout your day.  That way you won’t have to hunt for the list to transfer uncompleted items to next day’s list.  And to make things even easier, just laminate the To-Do list and start over each day.  You know you’re not really going to clean that oven or scrub that trash can anyway.  That’s what husbands/kids/maids/gullible friends are for. 
  • Can be used to efficiently delegate duties.  Make a nice, long grocery list. Herd the family into the minivan. Cruise on over to your favorite supermarket.  Rip list into equal pieces and dispense to family members. Then let them go at it.  What’s so great about this?  You were smart enough Not to take a piece and can relax with a Latte at the Starbucks next door.  Brilliantly orchestrated, you brainiac you!
  • Aids in personal perception.  Make a list of all the sexy things about yourself. Then share your list with your partner.  Watch your partner’s reactions carefully.  If your partner falls out of chair with laughter, your personal perception is all fucked-up.  If said partner smiles just a bit, then looks at you and says your list is spot-on, don’t believe it for a second. You need to forget about your personal perception, and find out what the sneaky bitch is up to.
  • Is an excellent way to assign chores.  Hang a huge whiteboard in a high-traffic area of your home. List and assign household duties to everyone in the family.  Then put padlocks on the frig and all the cupboards.  Hold a friendly family meeting where you promise to produce the keys when all assigned duties are completed.  End the meeting by calmly stating, “You can either Comply or Starve. I’m good either way”.
  • Aids in public speaking.  A good speaker uses notes on a few key points in order to provide an informative and interesting presentation.  A popular speaker makes a list of amusing anecdotes on which to refer if needed. A really smart speaker memorizes the whole speech, but also makes a list of all the exit doors in case her brain takes a crap and her audience goes postal.

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There you have it.  My own twisted view on using lists to your advantage.

 My work here is done. Now, where’s that cocktail waitress?

 


**Image from Google Images

 

Friday
May102013

Oh Momma! 

 

Another Mothers’ Day is upon us. Some of us are scrambling to find that perfect gift that will surprise and delight Mom. Others are just hoping to select something for Mom that doesn’t trigger her sarcastic/sadistic/soooo-crazy side.  Good luck with those gift selections, people.   My advice?  Don’t waste too much time fretting over your selection.  You will not get it right.  Just face it and prepare for the impending storm.  Your time would be better spent stocking up on sandbags (to fill and block all entrances to your house. This works until Mom realizes she can drive a bulldozer, and she can rent one for cheap) and garlic (to ward off evil mommy-is-possessed spirits and counteract any spells she may have cast).

You can’t win, so retreat.  Don’t worry about waving the white flag, because Mom has built-in radar and will find you. You can run but you can’t hide. Mom is coming after her Mothers’ Day gift and you’d better be ready.  Hide your wife/husband/partner because Mom will blame everything on them, and you want to avoid a family violence 9-1-1 call on Mothers’ Day, if at all possible. Put all the kids on the front lines front porch to hopefully avert Mom’s attention while you make your escape.  Mom’s a sucker for her grandkids. They are like kryptonite. She has no defense.  She will turn into a mushy, gushy Nana right before your eyes. 

Sometimes resorting to such low-class measures is the only thing that will save you. Just do it. And don’t’ look back.

And just when you think you’ve experienced enough maternal madness for one year, you remember you have a Mother-in-Law.   MIL for short, and code for Monster If Loaded…whatever you do, don’t buy her any alcohol.  She has had plans to get rid of you for years now and selecting the wrong gift could be just the catalyst she needs to execute. 

You don’t want to piss MIL off.  MIL has skills. MIL has secrets of which you are not privy. MIL has given birth to your husband/wife/partner and there’s not a damned thing you can do about that. 

MIL will feign acceptance, warmth, and wisdom when you first meet her, but don’t let her cute-little-oldladyness fool you.  You took her baby away from her.  She may forgive but she will never forget.  When selecting a gift for this kind of MIL, walk softly and carry a credit card with a huge limit.

MIL can be bought.  What?  You think you’re the only one who can’t leave Kohl’s without buying another handbag? 

Ha!

MIL will leap several aisles in a single bound in order to pry a coveted handbag from another woman’s bleeding hands.  She can be brutal.  How did you think your husband/wife/partner got their stubborn streak?

You have no idea what you’re dealing with.  Sleeping with one eye open wouldn’t be a bad idea around this time of year.

Just sayin…   Forewarned is forearmed.

Happy Mother’s Day! If you need me, I’ll be in my bunker bedroom with my blankie. Just slide my Mother’s Day gift under the door and go away.

 

 

 

 

 

**Images from Google Images

Sunday
May052013

Monday Listicles - Ten FREE things I love

 

 Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for Monday Listicles.

This week's topic wasn't as easy for me as others have been. We were supposed to list ten free things we love. It was kinda tough. I had to get in touch with my 'inner goodness' and find a way to be happy about not spending money.  

This was a stretch for me.  

But once I reached deep DEEP inside, I was able to find a few FREE things that turn me on.  So let's get on with it, shall we?  I'm going shopping after this.

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Ten FREE things I love. Really. Honest. I'm not kidding either.

  • Ten minute massage from that special someone. Or anyone really. I can always close my eyes and pretend it’s Jennifer Lopez.
  • Nine minute power naps, in-between two hour writing sessions that suck the life out of me. Those power naps are truly my salvation. The wine helps, too.
  • Eight hours of quality sleep without a bathroom run. Sadly, this is no longer my reality.
  • Seven ice cubes in my iced tea. No, I’m not exposing my OCD. That will be another blog post, another day.  Seven ice cubes just make me happy. Not eight. Not six.  Seven ice cubes do it for me. Don’t judge.
  • The number Six. My favorite number. Not many people like that number.  I don’t run with the pack.  I can’t help it if my brain has its own cell tower.
  • Five minutes searching for sunglasses that are actually on my head. I don’t love this, but I stuck it in for a laugh. Or some pity. I’ll take either.
  • Four minutes sharing. This is my touchy-feely contribution. Don’t get used to it. Just go forth and share. It will make you feel good.
  • Three hours being impulsive. Or 59 years, 7 months, 29 days, 22 hours, and 39 minutes. I am a fan of whimsical behavior. It has given me many opportunities but caused me a few migraines and a lot of cash if you count the gambling.
  • Two minutes in ecstasy. Hell, I’ll take half of that and use the other half of the time expressing my undying gratitude. I’m not getting any younger!
  • One minute reflecting on this, my amazing life.  I try to do this at least once a day. It keeps me balanced and grounded.  If I haven’t remembered to smile all day, this brings my smile.

 

Image from Google Images

Tuesday
Apr302013

Four More Weeks!

 

Good day family, friends, and writerly colleagues!  I promised a launch date for my new suspense novel, Dark Pretense, and I am delivering!

Save the date!  Tuesday, May 28th, 2013.

I am so excited to announce this book launch!  Dark Pretense has been almost two years in the making, began during the NaNoWriMo writing competition in 2011.  It was put on the back burner for a long time, mostly due to other commitments and not being able to clone my twisted imagination…or my typing fingers. 

Oh that I could….

I’m bursting with pride. I’m exhausted. I am desperately in need of a manicure. I’m giddy. I’m grumpy (my very patient partner insisted I throw this one in).  I’m humble.  And did I say I am proud?  Cause I am.

But most of all, I am satisfied. If you write, you know what I am talking about.  I have been through writer’s block, which is code for “total brain disconnect.”  I have been through writer’s fright, which is code for “I’m scared to death someone will find a typo.”  I have been through writer’s high, which is code for “drinking through the pain and memory lapses”. 

But I digress…

Yes, I’ve been through that, too.  Digression just about did me in, but I made it through. I am a rock.

So, folks, please do me the honor of helping me celebrate this amazing journey.  

More details to come.  Which is code for “I’m gonna bug the shit out of you people and you’ll get fucking sick of seeing my name on your blog roll, face book, twitter, and/or email.  Also code for “Writer’s desperation”.  But you’ll still love me because that’s the kind of wonderful friends/family/readers I have.

So in the spirit of whatever I can still muster after this  I give you….

FOUR MORE WEEKS!

Until the launch of Dark Pretense

Be there or you’ll miss out on the prizes, cheap wine, canned cheese, pigs-in-a-blanket, and virtual huckleberry pie.  You’ll also miss out on the topless cocktail waitress and waiter (still taking applications for these positions), and really bad jokes (my personal favorite part of a book launch).

Trust me. You don’t wanna miss this, people. 

Can I be frank? 

This is big.

This is a thing.

And this is me, shamelessly plugging my face off.

Ya’ll come, ya hear?

Click HERE to see Party Details

  

 

 

 ADDENDUM:  Launch date has been changed to Thursday, June 13th from 4 to 7 pm PST.

Sunday
Apr212013

Monday Listicles - Ways to spend 30 minutes (the clean version)

 

 

Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for Monday Listicles.

When I saw this week’s topic, my mind immediately turned toward the gutter and I had to perform a sharp U-turn to keep from utter and downright bloggedy shame.  Fortunately, after several 30 minute intervals of ponderous introspection and a stern scolding from that pesky angel on my other shoulder, I was able to come up with a really boring clean list of ways to spend 30 minutes.  So buckle your seat belts so you don’t fall off your chair when I put you to sleep.  I’m keeping it clean, but like President Carter once said, “I lusted in my heart.”  

Or was that one of the Bush’s? 

Never mind. Let’s move along, shall we?

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Without further adieu, and with very little previous training in time management, I give you

  Ways to Spend 30 Minutes:

*****

Stupid way to spend 30 minutes:  Regretting past actions/choices.

Stupider way to spend 30 minutes:  Saying “why me?”

Stupidest way to spend 30 minutes:  Hating someone.

Sexy way to spend 30 minutes:  The tease.

Sexier way to spend 30 minutes:  The foreplay

Sexiest way to spend 30 minutes:  Using your imagination.

Kind way to spend 30 minutes:  Hand written letter to a dear friend.

Kinder way to spend 30 minutes:  Making someone’s life easier without expecting anything in return.

Awkward way to spend 30 minutes: Walking into an Overeaters Anonymous meeting, smelling like the In-N-Out burger you just ravished.  This could also be a dangerous way to spend 30 minutes.

More awkward way to spend 30 minutes:  Walking into a Sexual Addictions meeting, smelling like the In-N-Out burger you just ravished. This could also be a kinky way to spend 30 minutes.

Embarrassing way to spend 30 minutes:  Walking through the mall with toilet paper streaming out of your pants. Streaming TP is never going to catch on as a fashion accessory, but there is an upside. You wouldn’t have to worry about being stranded with an empty roll.

Smart way to spend 30 minutes:  Meditation. Rest the mind.

Annoying way to spend 30 minutes:  Waiting in the queue line at Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market. However, the entertainment value gleaned from people-watching may be worth the wait. You can play “Count the butt cracks” in your head and no one will have any idea why there’s a wicked grin on your face.

How to completely waste 30 minutes:  Letting yourself down. Spreading gossip. Being judgmental.

Nice way to spend 30 minutes:  Take a nap! 

Nicer way to spend 30 minutes:  A spooning nap for two!

Nicest way to spend 30 minutes.  One nap. Two consenting adults. Hold the nap.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monday
Apr152013

On the awesomeness of Tuesday and new book cover art

Nothing special really happens on a Tuesday.  Let’s face it; Monday steals any thunder Tuesday may muster by being loaded with the tasks and responsibilities of a new week.  Then there is Wednesday, which is commonly referred to as ‘Hump Day’. One can dream, right?  Hump Day totally trumps Tuesday.  Thursday holds the anticipation of the upcoming weekend, thus leaving Tuesday bland and colorless. And I don’t even have to mention Friday because we all know Friday kicks ass! Both Saturday and Sunday are more noteworthy than Tuesday for obvious reasons. Duh, the weekend. ‘Nuff said.

Don’t you feel sorry for Tuesday now?

Well I’m about to change all of that!  As of today, which is Tuesday (unless you read this late Monday night, then just play along) there’s a new Book Cover in town!

Yes, folks, take a gander at the cover for my upcoming novel, Dark Pretense! Ain’t she a beauty?

 

However, as much as I may enjoy the limelight (and I do, immensely!)  I cannot take credit for this beautiful photo and cover art.  This is the expert crafting of my son, Glenn.  I had a vision (no pills or weed, just a real bonafide vision) of the kind of cover that would enhance my story and draw readers in.  Glenn took that vision and morphed it into something of which this Mom/author is mighty proud!

Thank you son! Once again, you have me bursting with pride and love. I am truly blessed.

That being said, my  son has done such an amazing job, I have already branded him as my own personal book cover graphic artist/photographer extraordinaire.  Yes, I said it.  He’s a rock star.

Glenn has become quite the accomplished photographer in a very short time. When he takes on a project, he goes full-on until he masters whatever mission he pursues.   If you’d like to see his beautiful photos on display, kindly visit his Flickr account at http://www.flickr.com/photos/northhorizon/.  Show him some love.  He is most deserving!

And now, about my new book…here’s a synopsis, a tease, if you will…

Katy has a secret, one she’s kept her entire life, and one she will go to any lengths to protect.  Louisa is drawn to Katy and her secret, and determined to uncover her past. As Katy’s life unravels, more clues are revealed, and Louisa realizes Katy’s potential to be of danger to anyone who crosses her path. A cat and mouse game of deadly proportions ensues as Louisa struggles to stay one step ahead of Katy in order to protect herself and others. Will Louisa succeed in uncovering the dark side of Katy, or will she meet her own untimely demise before completing her self-appointed mission?

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Stay tuned!  Launch date for

Dark Pretense

will be announced soon!

 

Wednesday
Apr102013

I got nuthin'

I awoke this lovely Wednesday morning, bound and determined to write a blog post. I certainly should write one. It’s long overdue. There is only one little bitty issue.

I got nuthin’.

I’m feeling the stress and the pressure of not producing a bit of wit and whimsy. I had trouble sleeping last night because of it.  I must get something posted.  Both of my readers must be feeling the void.  I cannot, and will not, disappoint.

Oh, I have started a new post several times, even posted a couple, and then swiftly took them back by deleting the whole shebang while muffling a naughty word or two.  I’ve erased more words and phrases than I’ve actually written.  That’s quite a feat, in and of itself, when you think about it.  It’s not like I can chew on my virtual eraser while pondering my next clever punch line.

Pitiful really.

So I gave up.

I am, instead, going to send you over to some of my favorite blogs where you can get your blog fix in a variety of styles. 

  • If it’s humor you seek, then head on over to my friend Karla’s blog, Telega Tales and Tart Cookies.  You’ll come away with a tummy ache from laughing.  She’s a comedy queen you don’t want to miss.
  • If you’re a grandparent, make your virtual way over to Lisa’s blog, Grandmas Briefs. Her helpful and amusing anecdotes will warm your heart.
  • If you are missing a bit of sunshine in your life, my dear friend Vidya, from Going A Musing, will enchant you with her amazing outlook on life, beautiful photographs, and poignant reflection.  It is impossible to leave her blog without feeling uplifted and inspired.
  • If you enjoy a light-hearted blog with a variety of subjects about everyday life and family, peppered with a delightful touch of humor, check out Ally's blog over at Just a Normal Mom.

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So hurry on over and visit these lovely ladies while I continue on my quest for a new blog topic. 

I hope to be displaying the cover for my new book within a few days, so please do check back.

In the meantime, I’m sending my warmest wishes for you all to have a blessed day.

 

 

Friday
Mar292013

Why fiction?

People often ask me why I write fiction. Hell, I ask myself that on a daily basis. I say, “Terri, why do you write fiction?” I mean, it really is a pain in the ass. It’s not like you can put it down and pick up where you left off the next day. It is a tiring, seemingly endless process.

And I love it.  That’s why I write fiction. Because I fucking love it.

I did spend the last two years writing lots and lots of non-fiction in the form of term papers and reports. I painfully recall the nightmare that was my thesis.  I have also written loads of non-fiction on this blog. And let us not forget (although I would very much like to) all those letters I wrote to my creditors, promising payment as soon as I landed a paying job. If any of my creditors are reading this, the check’s in the mail. Really.

I can write non-fiction. Really I can!

I just don’t want to.

Okay, those letters may have been more fiction than non-fiction, since I was stretching the truth and producing a little drama. Don’t judge.  So what, if I straddled the fence between fiction and non-fiction? It’s not the first time I ever straddled something…er, I mean straddled the fence about something.

Just yesterday I suffered through an anxiety attack brought on by my inability to decide whether to have a peanut butter sandwich with jelly or banana.  It was a tough decision.  Jailhouse Rock was playing on my iPod.  I was drawn in by images of pelvic thrusts and bedazzled capes.  I was leaning heavily (pun intended) toward Elvis’ personal fave.

What would you have done?

I ended up just eating the banana. No peanut butter. No sandwich. Just the banana. I’m a wild woman, but Elvis’ naughty gyrations just don’t do it for me anymore. 

It’s a freaking party-fest at my place.  Stuff is happening up in here all the time. Most people wouldn’t be able to handle all the excitement.  I’m serious. I’ve progressed all the way up to two naps, four trips up and down the hall with my walker, six cups of coffee, and eight trips to the potty…per day.  Throw in a jaunt to the door when the mailman knocks, and I’m pooped.  It hardly leaves any time or energy for frolicking, pillaging, or chasing my wife around the bed in my plaid boxers and John Elway football jersey. 

But you can’t have it all, right?

So that is why I write fiction.  I either completely make the shit up or I draw from some obscure previous experience in my life, then mix it all up in my head, and pepper it with dreams, desires, dirty dance moves, hallucinations, inclinations, delusions, and some seriously dramatized bullshit.

Then I write. 

For me it is not only a creative outlet for self-expression, but it is also a form of escapism.

And a damned good reason to drink cheap wine.