This week's Red Dress prompt was to write a formal letter to you or your character's greatest fear. I chose my greatest fear(s).
April 22, 2011
1 Bone Dry Street
Las Vegas, Nevada 88888-6666
State of Nevada Varmints and Critters Division
90 Eleven Freaking Little Bugs Boulevard
Las Vegas, Nevada 88889-BUGS
Please accept this as my formal letter of complaint against the unwanted, unwashed, uninvited and unbelievably annoying inhabitants of our fair state of Nevada. Of which do I speak, you may ask? My distinct distaste and displeasure resides with any and every crawling, creeping, slithering, sliding, biting, stinging, hanging, hiding, hideous, and have I mentioned uninvited critter within a 10 mile radius of my person. Gentlemen/ladies, I did not move to Nevada to find a scorpion in my bed. I was thinking more on the lines of a showgirl. Where, may I ask, are all the showgirls when you need one? Hmm? I also did not move to Nevada to hike amongst the beautiful mountains and Red Rock Canyon, alongside venomous, poisonous, sneaky, slimy, sadistic (they must be into that stuff, being the spawn of Satan!) snakes and lizards. I don’t care if they do have a famous tortoise named Mohave Max who predicts the weather like that groundhog, only later in the season, and he’s never correct. How would I propose to alleviate this situation, you ask? Why, just pay your park rangers a little more than minimum wage and maybe they’ll keep those hideous hellions at a safe distance. I don’t care if we are visiting their home! They should learn to be polite and not send our seniors to the hospital with heart attacks. Have your rangers look into that, will you? I would very much appreciate any assistance you could offer with this issue.
As for the critters in and around my home, I would like my home to be patrolled 24 hours per day by a professional exterminator service. I don’t expect to have to pay for this service, either. I pay taxes, for crying out loud. Snakes, spiders, lizards, roaches, ants, crickets, and rats (Chihuahuas included) should never be allowed near a human being, unless of course, that human is completely insane and is into that sort of thing.
In summary, I am most disturbed and disheartened that Nevada didn’t turn out to be the blissful oasis of gambling, drinking and women (lots of women) that I saw in the brochures and viewed on the Chamber of Commerce video mailed to me in the dead of winter to my home in Ohio. Of course I moved. You forgot the Memo, however, about the nightmares I would have going to bed at night wondering what is going to crawl into bed with me. Please, effective immediately, put a restraining order on every living and breathing creature entering my bed between 10 pm and 6 am, except for those showgirls, who would probably do no harm to my person.
I trust you will take care of the above grievances in a timely manner. I look forward to your response.