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Friday
Feb212014

Fruity Friday and Random Acts

Pure guilt motivated this blog post.  My last post was nineteen days ago. I realized my faithful readers have been deprived of my wit, wisdom and whimsy long enough.  I can’t even imagine how excruciating that must have been for you.  Alas, the long wait is over! Yours truly is here now, and I have exactly what you need.  So, let’s do this, shall we?

Being a caring and compassionate person is not easy.  With it comes the obligation to do nice things for people.  I’m pretty sure that’s how the whole “random acts of kindness” idea works and how it was born.  Personally, I am a huge proponent of this way of thinking.  It’s good to be good.  Everybody wins.

I am all for being random, whether it’s for kindness, weirdness, or even lust. Random puts the fun back in life. Just doing something for the hell of it, without thinking, fretting or planning, makes it all the sweeter. 

Okay, so you know about random acts of kindness and you’ve probably guessed the meaning of random acts of lust.  But, you are probably still wondering what random acts of weirdness are and how you can be a part of this intriguing new trend.  I will try to unlock the secrets and juicy details in order to quench your thirst for being trendy. Hell, we may even make a new hash tag:  #randomactsofweirdness

Random acts of weirdness only happen to people who fit a certain criteria:

  • A tendency toward the geeky side of things.
  • A tendency to spill things. Your shirt is almost always wet with food/beverage.
  • A tendency to join things of which you know nothing about.  I don’t recommend sky-diving.  Just sayin.
  • A tendency to devour every self-help book you can find in hopes of learning about your twisted  unique situation.  Sidebar:  You fail miserably. Every time.
  • A tendency to trip over your own shadow while trying to shake hands with said shadow. Because, for just a nano-second you forgot the shadow was you and desperately needed some companionship.  Don’t fret little one.  I don’t judge.
  • A tendency to not be able to walk and chew gum simultaneously. However,  you can solve all the equations written on the white board in the show The Big Bang Theory.  Sheldon has nothing on you.

If you can relate to one or several of the criteria above, you may be suffering from random acts of weirdness.  But not to worry because it is virtually painless and treatable.  I hear medicinal marijuana is particularly helpful in this type of situation.

How do you know if you’ve committed a random act of weirdness?   That’s a tough question to answer, as everyone’s weirdness-meter is calibrated differently.  And since this writer is arithmetically-challenged and easily startled by any number sitting inside a parenthesis, there will be no magic algorithm forthcoming.  Or forthwith.  Whatever that means.

Translation:  You’ll need to wing it.

What?  I didn’t promise you a rose garden.  Don’t be so clingy.  Geez.

However and because I don’t want to leave you hanging, I’ve created a list of a few widely-known random acts of weirdness.  And by widely-known, I mean I made them up.  So here goes:

  • You get out of bed one bright, sun-shiny day, and take your cats for a walk.  All nine of them.
  • You finally get up the nerve to call that hotty you met last Friday night, but keep hanging up because you can’t remember your name.  So you go to In-N-Out Burger instead.
  • While trying to commit a random act of kindness, you get side-tracked by trying not to step on the cracks in the sidewalk, as you wouldn’t want to break your Momma’s back.  You’re welcome for that semi-melancholy visit back to your tortured childhood.
  • While you pride yourself on being a rabid reader, you tend toward skipping from book to book just before the ending of each one.  Your reasoning for this is that you are saddened when a book ends, so you have opted to never let that happen again. Closure must not be an issue for you, but please know that this behavior is freaking weird. 

This brings us back to the subject-at-hand, random acts of weirdness.  We all have the gene within us. 

So what do we do about it? 

I’m no doctor, and last time I looked, it wasn’t my day to fix you. Hell, I’m exhausted just from making the diagnosis.  The treatment plan is purely up to you, but you might want to leave a trail of bread crumbs so you don’t get lost.

OR

You could just get snockered and embrace your weirdness. They make straight-jackets in all sizes these days, and a padded cell does sound cozy and comforting.  One could get a lot of writing done in such a place, if they would only allow writing utensils. Crayons don’t count. 

Lastly, you are most likely wondering how I handle my random acts. 

  • Random acts of kindness:  I try to perform daily and discreetly.
  • Random acts of lust:  I’m not allowed to do that or talk about it anymore. And my wife reads this stuff.
  • Random acts of weirdness:  I don’t perform these because my weirdness is a constant. It is always with me.  I’m sure you’ve probably figured that out by now.

 

Happy Friday Random Peeps!   Now go out there and get your random on!


This is not me. It is a random woman

See, there I go being random again! 


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