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Thursday
Jan092014

Terrilox and the three shopping carts

Once upon a time, and in a land very far away from reality, lived an old lady the fair Lady Terrilox. M’Lady was depressed, thus bringing great sadness upon her realm and all that resided within.  You see, the princess was plagued by arthritis and several bad hair days in a row  a dilemma of gargantuan proportions.

Her shopping cart had broken into tiny pieces. She could no longer make the journey in the family truckster to Ye Olde Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market to fetch bread, wine and turkey legs to feed her beloved Prince Joan. M’Lord was accustomed to returning to their castlepartment each evening and enjoying the culinary delights prepared with great expertise and care and set before him, along with his evening paper, cigar, and bunny slippers.

Lady Terrilox was devastated and also quite certain his Lordship would have her drawn and quartered, then promptly marry the much younger and more beautiful Sleeping Beauty downstairs.

Whatever was a princess to do?

Terrilox decided not to linger one moment longer, and to take immediate action to keep her lesbian lover who had to live in drag as a prince because they were hundreds of years away from “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and the realm just would not understand   her man.

Without further adieu, M’Lady went to the closet and pulled out the latest Sears and Roebucks catalog scrolls and did some power shopping.  She sent an order for a brand new shopping cart, and splurged for the fastest delivery option. She would have her new shopping cart within two months via mule-train. 

“Oh!” exclaimed Terrilox. “So glad I opted for express delivery.” The priority option was carrier pigeon and she was not willing to wait for their flight south for the winter. It was, after all, the beginning of summer.

Two months flew by and the new shopping cart was delivered right to Lady Terrilox’ door.  She tipped the driver, then made a mental note to pick up the poop left by the mule-train forthwith.  Small price to pay for progress.

That very evening, after serving dinner to Lord Joan, milking the cows, feeding the livestock, mending the socks, cutting wood for the fire, and knocking the dents out of M’Lord's suit of armor, Lady Terrilox was able to steal a few moments to assemble her new shopping cart.

Lo and behold, however, once the cart had been built, it seemed to be much larger than the original cart.  “Oh no,” exclaimed Terrilox.  “This simply will not do. I must have a smaller shopping cart. I will never be able to handle this one.”

The very next morning, after packing M’Lord’s lunch, emptying the royal chamber pot, making breakfast and polishing all the doorknobs in the house, Lady Terrilox sent her husband off to work for the day. As soon as he was out of sight, she promptly ordered another shopping cart, along with the expedited delivery option, and waited patiently for her new shopping cart to arrive.

Two months flew by, and before she knew it, her new shopping cart had arrived.  She hurried to assemble it before Lord Joan returned home from work. 

Lo and behold, the shopping cart seemed to be much smaller than the previous one.  In fact, it was much smaller than the original one.  That simply would not do.  Lady Terrilox was beside herself with worry and angst.  Since valium hadn’t been invented yet, she proceeded to get drunk on her ass numb her pain with a little grog from her husband’s stash.  She just took a little, because if he ever noticed, she would be drawn and quartered and he would promptly marry that snoring bitch  Sleeping Beauty from downstairs.

Whatever was a princess to do? 

Unfortunately, Lord Joan had left the office early and beat the evening traffic to return home a full fortnight earlier than usual.  He walked in on M’Lady crumpled on the floor, crying into her apron and mumbling expletives he was quite sure hadn’t been added to Webster’s Royal Dictionary of the Realm yet.  He made a mental note to research that issue at a later, more convenient time.

“Whatever is bothering you, my dearest?  Did someone die on your soap opera?  Did the birds shit on the laundry again?  Pray tell what burdens thee, my love?”  The prince really had a way with words.

Lady Terrilox could hold back no longer. She spilled all the beans about the whole shopping cart tragedy, and resigned herself to her imminent fate.  However, she couldn’t help wondering where M’Lord would get four horses at that late hour to draw and quarter her.  She worried about every detail.  She really did not want her husband to stress. She would accept her punishment and take it like the good wife she was.

About that time, Lord Joan let out a boisterous laugh.  He laughed so hard, he fell back into the fire, and Terrilox had to fetch a pail of water to douse the flames on his melting armor.  She saved the day!  Turned out, M’Lady was quite the badass.

“What is so funny, M’Lord?  I have failed you. I have wasted a sixpence on all these shopping carts, and not one will serve my purpose.”

“My darling wife, I laugh because you delight me with your persistence. You are not afraid to try new things. You inevitably fail, of course, but that’s why you have me. I am your husband, and I am here to guide you in the right direction.”  The Prince really was a legend in his own mind. That, and the fact that he seemed to have forgotten he wasn’t a guy.

“So what do you suggest, your royal pain in the ass  M’Lord?”  Terrilox anxiously awaited her master’s coveted advice.  Actually, she really did have to go pee.

“The answer is quite simple, my wife. Find the royal tape measure and measure each shopping cart. After you have both sets of measurements, get out the Sears and Roebuck catalog scrolls and find a cart with measurements in-between those of the two carts. The one you find will be just right.  You can then mail the smaller and larger carts back for a full refund.”

“I hadn’t thought of that, my husband.  You are so wise.”  Terrilox figured it wouldn’t hurt to grease Lord Joan’s ego for future advantage.

Two months flew by, and a brand new shopping cart that was just the right size was delivered by express mail.  Shortly after that, the mule-train was retired in favor of the new express delivery system, The Royal Donkey Express. 

Times, they were a changing.

But, what happened to our little royal family?  Regrettably, they did not live happily ever after.

Lord Joan was caught by the lesbian police and thrown in jail for life where she lived in sin with Gertrude, the Giant Slayer.  

Lady Terrilox lived a life alone, except for her nineteen cats and a barn-full of shopping carts. Her shopping addiction had caused her financial ruin and she eventually died from either boredom or an overdose of grog.  She was found by the town magistrate, propped up in her closet and surrounded by her precious Sears and Roebuck catalog scrolls.

 The End

 

 

 *Images from Google Images

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