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« June 13th Book Launch Postponed - My Apologies | Main | Oh Momma! »
Sunday
May262013

Monday Listicles - Ten reasons to make a list. Or not.

 

Hello Monday people! I'm linking up with the lovely Stasha over at The Good Life for her 100th Monday Listicles.  Congratulations Stasha! 

This week's topic was to be something about lists or listicles.  Easy enough for a List Ninja such as myself.  I am pretty sure I will kill with this one.

Even if nothing on my list has been researched, rehearsed, pre-tasted, or approved by a government agency.

Sometimes a girl has to go to her happy place where nothing is real and the cocktail waitress stops by often, and sometimes spends the night.  And so, from my happy place, and with absolutely no concern for my literary (or otherwise) reputation, I give you:

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Ten reasons to make a list. Or not.

  • Gives you an alibi for watching mindless television. You can make a list while watching Honey Boo Boo and call it multitasking.  Boom!
  • Keeps life in order.  Heaven forbid you and your OCD self would ever forget your list, though. Your loved ones would have no choice but to get the tranquilizer gun out and use it on you.  What?  Have you SEEN yourself without a list?  It’s not pretty.
  • Makes you appear as if you have your shit together.  People will put you on a pedestal.  People will emulate you.  The joke’s on them.  Underneath the Botox, spanks, and teeth-whitening strips, you are really a fucking mess. But with a list, no one has to know!
  • Saves extra trips to the supermarket.  Except for the trip home you have to make to retrieve the list you forgot in the first place.
  • Saves money. Also saves all the back-tracking you have to do in the supermarket because you left your list in the produce department, amongst the bananas, while you were staring at the hottie in tight jeans. Hopefully, they didn’t get you on camera for abusing that banana.  The produce department is such a naughty place!
  • Makes life easier.  Make a daily To-Do list and carry it with you throughout your day.  That way you won’t have to hunt for the list to transfer uncompleted items to next day’s list.  And to make things even easier, just laminate the To-Do list and start over each day.  You know you’re not really going to clean that oven or scrub that trash can anyway.  That’s what husbands/kids/maids/gullible friends are for. 
  • Can be used to efficiently delegate duties.  Make a nice, long grocery list. Herd the family into the minivan. Cruise on over to your favorite supermarket.  Rip list into equal pieces and dispense to family members. Then let them go at it.  What’s so great about this?  You were smart enough Not to take a piece and can relax with a Latte at the Starbucks next door.  Brilliantly orchestrated, you brainiac you!
  • Aids in personal perception.  Make a list of all the sexy things about yourself. Then share your list with your partner.  Watch your partner’s reactions carefully.  If your partner falls out of chair with laughter, your personal perception is all fucked-up.  If said partner smiles just a bit, then looks at you and says your list is spot-on, don’t believe it for a second. You need to forget about your personal perception, and find out what the sneaky bitch is up to.
  • Is an excellent way to assign chores.  Hang a huge whiteboard in a high-traffic area of your home. List and assign household duties to everyone in the family.  Then put padlocks on the frig and all the cupboards.  Hold a friendly family meeting where you promise to produce the keys when all assigned duties are completed.  End the meeting by calmly stating, “You can either Comply or Starve. I’m good either way”.
  • Aids in public speaking.  A good speaker uses notes on a few key points in order to provide an informative and interesting presentation.  A popular speaker makes a list of amusing anecdotes on which to refer if needed. A really smart speaker memorizes the whole speech, but also makes a list of all the exit doors in case her brain takes a crap and her audience goes postal.

******************

There you have it.  My own twisted view on using lists to your advantage.

 My work here is done. Now, where’s that cocktail waitress?

 


**Image from Google Images

 

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