You hear a lot of fun being poked at Help Desk Agents and Customer Service Associates. I mean, there’s a million stories and jokes out there about those people.
I am one of those people. I am a Technical Support Advisor. But I still get a chuckle when I read that stuff.
But today…I thought I’d turn things around a bit and give you a little peek at things from the opposite angle. Customers behaving badly, if you will.
The following scenario may or may not have happened, and if it did, the names have been changed to protect me the innocent.
Agent: Thank you for calling technical support. My name is Tyrone. May I have your name please?
Customer behaving badly: I just have one quick question. I dropped my phone in the toilet and after I retrieved it, I tried to dry it out in a bag of rice, like I saw them do on TV. It still won’t work.
Agent: Ok, sir, I just need to get some basic information from you first. May I have your first and last name please?
Customer behaving badly: Yea, I can’t believe I dropped it in the damned toilet. If my girlfriend hadn’t been throwing up all that wine and chilly from the half-time party, it never would have happened.
Agent: (trying to show that all-important empathy): I am so sorry to hear that, sir. I can understand how frustrating that must be. Now if I could just get that name…
Customer behaving badly: I know right! I mean, there I was, holding her hair back while she was blowing some major chunks. I was dry heaving myself. Then my freaking phone rings. I had it in my shirt pocket, went to grab it, and my girlfriend hauled off and whacked me right up the side of my head. Lost my grip on that phone, and the rest is history. Wet, slimy, chunky phone history. Are ya feelin me, man?
Agent: (trying to gain agreement--an important component in good customer service): So you dug the phone out and dried it off and then put it in a bag of rice? Is that correct, sir?
Customer behaving badly (trying to remember): uh...
Agent: (feeling as if he was gaining control of the call finally); I do still need your name, sir, if you don’t mind.
Customer behaving badly: No way, are you kidding me? I didn’t go near that phone! It stayed in that toilet, just floating on one of those chunks, until the next morning. I got up and went to take my morning pee, and there it was. I figured someone had flushed it away by that time, but there it was, all alone except for the puke pieces. I got the plunger and dug the phone out. It was covered in vomit, so I had to wash it off. I held it under the faucet in the sink and wiped it down. Then I took the blow dryer to it for a few minutes.
Agent: (thinking they had to be on Candid Camera and he probably should just play along): And then what happened?
Customer behaving badly: Well, then I took the cover off and drained the water out of the battery compartment. I figured that was the most logical next step. Right?
Agent: Uh, well sir, in order to give out any advice, I would still need your name.
Customer behaving badly: Why do you want my name? Are you going to put me in your computer and then have people calling me and emailing me and mailing me junk all the time? Or are you going to sell my information to other companies who will do ‘who knows what’ with it? Or even worse, are you going to stalk me? Your voice does sound a bit stalky if you ask me. Or maybe you’re going to take my information and send people to my house to rob me or do ‘god knows what’ to my girlfriend. No thank you. I am not telling you my name.
Agent (long pause): Ok sir, not a problem. Thank you for calling. Please stay on the line to complete our customer satisfaction survey about your experience today.
Customer behaving badly: But what about my phone? Can’t you give me a little free advice without me signing my life away?
Agent: Sure, I can give you some advice. Your phone is fucked. Your girlfriend is a lush. Your life is a complete failure. And you should change your name…whatever it is…to LOSER. Have a wonderful day!