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« One for the Books | Main | Eva's Got a New Book! »
Sunday
May202012

Monday Listicles - Ten things a husband should do

 

Buuwwaaahhhh! 

Oh hello.  Don’t mind me.  I’m still freaking out over this week’s Monday Listicles subject. Thanks a lot, Stasha’s husband.  You succeeded in scrambling my brains.  What's left of them.

Uh, I don’t have a husband.  Uh, I have a wife.  Uh, does that make me the husband?  Uh, no.

So.

Questions. Hair-pulling.  Where’s my happy pills?   I.Am.Stressed.

But.

I am always up for a challenge!

So.

I’m listing.  That’s right.  Right along with you ladies who have husbands and actually know what you’re talking about.  And how am I going to approach this monumental writerly task? 

I’ll just make shit up.

So here goes…

*********

Ten Things MY Husband would do, IF I had a Husband...

(Title slightly altered to fit my particular situation. Or lack thereof)

 

  • If I had a husband, he would Cook.
  • If I had a husband, he would Clean.  The toilets. The windows. The baseboards. The floors. My car.

 

  • If I had a husband, he would go to work and make enough money so I could stop looking for a freaking job.
  • If I had a husband, he would rub my feet.  My wife will not do this.  I'm suffering.
  • If I had a husband, he would wash his own damned stinky socks and underwear.  Yes, I was married to a man a hundred years ago, and can still smell the afterglow.

 

  • If I had a husband, he would understand my need to eat chocolate and drink merlot while crying over the Grey’s Anatomy’s season finale.  In fact, he couldn’t have any of my chocolate, but I would share my wine and drippy tissues with him.  Yea, I have a big heart like that.
  • If I had a husband, he would go kick some ass in whichever direction I pointed.  Cause he loves me.  And he’s all butch like that.  Come to think of it, my wife already does that.  Never mind.
  • If I had a husband, he would sleep on the couch because I cannot stand the snores and the farts.  Seriously, mine are bad enough without adding testosteronic mutations (is that a thing?).
  • If I had a husband, he would be kind, sharing, gentle and loving like my Dad.  Only not just like my Dad because that would be creepy.  But you get what I’m saying.  He would be a real gentleman. 

And finally…..

  • If I had a husband, he would gladly consent to a sex-change operation.  Because I'm sure as hell not jumping the penis fence.

Oh.My.Goshness Batman!  This old broad is outta control!

Don’t blame me. 

Blame Stasha’s husband for coming up with the subject. 

Now go out there and have a super Monday.

I’m heading back to my corner, to lie in wait for next week’s Monday Listicles subject.   Go ahead.  Bring it!

 

 

 

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