Saturday
Dec032011
Santa baby
Saturday, December 3, 2011 at 1:42AM 
I begin every single holiday season LOVING some Christmas songs. For example, I Love Love Love this sexy little song, “Santa Baby”. Have a listen:
Santa Baby
But.
By the time Christmas rolls around, I want to put my long fingers around the bitch’s little squeaky neck and shut her up. What? Don’t you?
There are other Christmas songs that are cutesy and make me smile. At first. But again, after a few weeks, my perception goes from cutesy to putting my size 9 foot through the fucking radio. By that time, I’m way past any reasoning my feelings away. Hearing “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” makes me want to go out and run some poor little old granny down. It’s not pretty folks.
And my partner? She really loves that stupid Stupid STUPID song “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas”. I told her she already has one. Me. Just check out my rear end and shut up about it. I don’t need some octave-impaired
And then there’s Alvin and the Chipmunks and anything…Anything they sing. When one of their scratchy, screechy, scrunchy songs come on the radio, my mind goes into over-drive on how to hunt the creators down, tie the bitches up, and force them to listen to their crap for hours and hours and see how much they like it.
I’m not ‘into’ bondage, but I could go there, people, if I had to.
Perhaps the worst of the worst….the Piece de Resistance….the cream of the crap…..would be the Christmas songs sung by the cats. Lordy. If your ears haven’t been privy, have a listen:
Jingle Cats
Kinda gets you in the mood, doesn’t it? Not for Christmas, but rather for peeing in a cat box and licking yourself. Seriously, it’s what you don’t hear that can alter your psyche and give you shingles. If you played that song backwards, you’d bark like a dog and chew holes in your new bunny house slippers that Santa Baby brought you. You think I’m kidding. Check my closet. Bunny ears everywhere.
Some days you just can’t win. If the radio or the TV isn’t blaring Christmas songs, they’re playing Christmas commercials of people dancing through malls, singing badly concocted versions of Christmas songs and holding bags and bags of Christmas cheer. After viewing said commercial four or five times during a one hour show, you get up to raid the fridge and find yourself dancing across the floor and singing incomprehensible lyrics because you can’t remember the words.
But they got to you, didn’t they? The retail devils and their disciples, and the hot women in those little red skirts got to you. You’re suddenly in the Christmas spirit and you don’t even know why. You just want to dance. And shop. And sing incomprehensible lyrics. And pee in the cat box.
However, Doctor Terri is in and has your best interests at heart. Just hang on a sec while I step outside on the patio and howl at the moon. It’s calling me.
Ok, that felt good. I just need to Google dog-barking carols now. I’m shaking with anticipation. The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to oysters.
Where was I? Oh yea, the Doctor is in. This is my diagnosis:
You are way past help now. Just give in to the macabre urges and go with the flow. This is a temporary condition. Some things are just too big to fight. Think of yourself as that little wooden soldier nutcracker sitting up on the fireplace mantle. You can just watch all the action, and every now and then someone will stick their nuts in your mouth and you can be useful.
It’s good to be useful. And some people like nuts.
I leave you wanting more I’m sure, but I can’t sit here all day being brilliant. I have things to do. I can’t find my Snoopy Christmas pajamas and Wal-Mart is all out of my favorite fart-pillow stocking stuffers. I need to do some serious shopping research.
So? Enjoy these last three weeks before Santa Baby makes an appearance. And don’t worry about me because I’ll be on the mantle watching you. Just, please, tell your guests I’m broken. I gave up nuts years ago.
Reader Comments (28)
Too late! I already want to stick a fork in my ears when I hear Santa Baby. I'll probably commit some heinous act, like peeing on the neighbor's inflatable Santa if I hear Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree.
Very very,Funny-
I don't like Christmas music either. If there was some "do-run-run" "Bar-bar-bar", "shoobey-doobey", I could relate to...But they just keep cranking out the same old sh..!
Carols? Nope. Too depressing. Christmas albums-Deliver me!
I have those same Nut crackers- A blue & a red one (twins), and I can't get rid of them...my kids gave them to us.
Most decorations are too garish. I get it all up and take it all down ASAP.
I admit that I do enjoy it all in between, but I have to change it all up, every few years.
Did you know, some people are actually attached to their tree stuff...go there for the past 45 years and the tree has been identical! Come to think of it, they are still wearing that old reindeer sweater too. Okay, I get it, I finally get it!
One year, the (god bless them) mice got into everything and money or not (it was an "or not" year), I pitched it all out and started over. What a relief! I used to have 3 trees in the house- Not now!
I love Christmas, even the aggravations, but especially the shopping, cooking,& eating.
Merry Christmas to all of you and especially "Good Health & Happiness" in the new year.
Pat
Oh. My. G-d. I snorted, twice, while reading this. This is brilliant. This is going to be printed out and put up on my fridge. You gave up nuts years ago. Your partner already has a hippo. You can't sit here being brilliant all day because you have to go to Walmart. I am laughing so hard I'm sure there are typos and I might have peed a little. This is an absolutely priceless post.
I loved Eartha Kitt! I hadn't heard that song in years! A very funny post! I posted twice today, which is unusual for me, but I ran across some info about Walmart that was amazing and wanted to get it out there!
I just snorted root beer out of my nose and it is still fizzin' a little!! I limit my exposure to all things Christmas so as to not injure anyone, smash electronic equipment, or moon the Salvation Army bell ringer. But that's just me. On the continuum of cracked-nuts-broken, I'm not sure where that puts me.
I can so relate! The perfect cure? Play yourself a little Blink 182 "I Won't Be Home For Christmas" or the Kinks "Father Christmas." These two get all the sap and holiday goo out of my brain every time : )!
Once again, you leave me snorting and spitting my drinks all over the computer screen. Damn, you are a funny lady.
I am usually all about the Christmas music for a week or two anyway. But this year I turn on the all Christmas music station and I get in about 5 songs before I have to turn it off. What has happened to me? And here they play this stooopid song that is a play on Walking in a Winter Wonderland only it's all about lattes and coffee and Seattle and it makes me want to start spiking my coffee. Or someone else's.
But, you have your Santa Baby, however I like my Baby, It's Cold Out There. At least for the first 3 times I hear it. Then I'm good.
I'm an animal lover, but seriously? The cats? Have.Got.To.Go.
Oh my gosh, wonder what you'd do if you heard "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas"? Kinda makes me want to have my ears paved. By golly.
hehe
Hi Patti and the merriest of Christmases to you, my friend! I do like Christmas, even if it doesn't appear so. My very VERY favorite Christmas song ever is.....oh wait, I have two:
1. O Holy Night
2. What Child is This
And? I'm not religious. Go figure.
Hi Rachel. So glad I made you laugh. And I'm all about freeing those kidneys!
Speaking of....I did go to Wal-Mart today and right in the middle of my shopping, I had to pee so bad I was almost crying. It was the neighborhood grocery mart, not the big Wal-Mart so I didn't know where the bathroom was. It got so bad, I finally just left my cart, ran out the door and drove home. Did I pee before I got home? I ain't saying.....but thank god I had a towel in the car. Ewwwwwww
Hi Eva. Glad you like the post! I was plumb goofy this a.m. And yes, I already went over and checked out your post about Wal-Mart. We studied that stuff not long ago in my grad studies, so I had seen some of those stats before. It is all quite unbelievable, though. Thanks for sharing!
I think you'll be just fine Katy. And please get photos when you moon the Salvation Army guy. Not of the moon....but his face. Priceless. And no worries about the nuts. I've long since made peace with the cracked ones. LMAO
Hi Pamela! Definitely gotta check those out....perhaps this evening, with a glass of wine. I am desperate for some variety. LOL
Hi Ally! Spiking Coffee? I AM IN. Oh yea, I love that song "Baby It's Cold Out There". Nice with the fireplace going (yes I do have one.....odd huh), a glass of merlot and
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wait for it
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A good book
ROFLMFAO.
This is going to keep me laughing all day. I am pretty sure I'll read it at least thrice!
Now, I am really glad I didn't have my morning coffee with me when I read this. Or I would have done some serious damage to my computer screen, or at the very least, my keyboard. I can't afford that, especially on a Sunday. Sigh - I am just going to settle down to the onslaught of Christmas music. I can take it or leave it, though. Oh, but you should see the other festivals we are so famous for - no sooner one arrives and the neighborhood temple quickly puts up its mega-speakers and play the same ole shit all day. Makes you think the chalk on the blackboard effect is so much better. As it is, I've had this song "Waiting for a girl like you" (Foreigner) all day yesterday and showing no signs of leaving, just because I remembered an old school pal. Grrr.
Hugs! Your blog is my favorite book now.
Hi Vidya! I've been waiting all day for you to get out of bed. LMAO this almost 12 hour time difference is a bitch. I'm so glad you liked my funnies. And? They just played that stupid hippo song on TV. Oy vey. Just shoot me now.
However, I do like many of the Christmas traditions. For instance, I love presents. I could open presents all day. And baking cookies. Love baking cookies. As for shopping, I can't afford much of that and I hate crowds.
Hope to catch up with you later on The Twitter or something. Hugzzz my friend.
T
Freaking wonderful. Now they're playing "Grandma got run over by a reindeer". It's a good thing my TV is set up high in the wall or my foot would have to be surgically removed from it.
Later.....
For years I could not stand Christmas music because I worked in a place that played it non-stop during the season. Today I heard Christmas music and actually liked it. Weird.
Welcome to my place! I'm so happy to see you stop by. I love your blog, btw. Appreciate the comments!
I just love O Holy Night too- Thanks for reminding me. When I was younger I would try to sing it...can't! But I think Mariah Carey does it best. Celine Dion is a close 2nd. Very hard notes.
PS: You say that you are not religious, however, you are a great person, great parent, compassionate, appreciative, and responsible. It's all God wants us to be.
Merry Christmas!
Hi Patti;
Let me correct my previous statement, "I am not religious..." to read "I don't practice religion in the proper/ceremonial sense." I do believe in God, but I am quite personal and private about it, always have been and always will be. Some 'Christians' would call me a non-Christian, and they may be correct. I don't care. I know who I am and what and how I believe. And when it's all said and done, the only thing that matters is the relationship between the person and his/her higher power. It's highly personal and intimate.
There, that is all I have to say about religion. Thanks for your lovely words, Patti. You are one insightful and lovely woman. I truly appreciate you. You make/help me think deeply about things. Love ya's!!
I'm with you 100%. Especially when the old Holiday tunes come out 2 weeks before Thanksgiving! I can't stand them and yet I hear myself humming the bloody tunes. UGH!
Great post! Fa la la la, la la la, la.
Thanks Lorna. Glad you enjoyed the post! Christmas brings out a lot of things in me, and one of them is silliness.
-- I just LOVE "Santa Baby." I'm going to call you and sing it over the phone to you. haaaaaaa
Sorry.
And I love you, cuz you craaaack me up, Ms. Scrooge....X
I am sooooooo not even close to being a Ms Scrooge, lovely lady. I am very generous, and that's probably why I don't have much. But what I do have, I am so very happy to share!
HUGS, my friend
Woman you totally crack me up! Although, I am surprised nobody commented on this line: "every now and then someone will stick their nuts in your mouth and you can be useful" LMAO (and pulling myself up out of the gutter)!!!
The snow on this page made me think something was wrong with my eyes at first...lol Man am I getting old or what?