Another Mothers’ Day is upon us. Some of us are scrambling to find that perfect gift that will surprise and delight Mom. Others are just hoping to select something for Mom that doesn’t trigger her sarcastic/sadistic/soooo-crazy side. Good luck with those gift selections, people. My advice? Don’t waste too much time fretting over your selection. You will not get it right. Just face it and prepare for the impending storm. Your time would be better spent stocking up on sandbags (to fill and block all entrances to your house. This works until Mom realizes she can drive a bulldozer, and she can rent one for cheap) and garlic (to ward off evil mommy-is-possessed spirits and counteract any spells she may have cast).
You can’t win, so retreat. Don’t worry about waving the white flag, because Mom has built-in radar and will find you. You can run but you can’t hide. Mom is coming after her Mothers’ Day gift and you’d better be ready. Hide your wife/husband/partner because Mom will blame everything on them, and you want to avoid a family violence 9-1-1 call on Mothers’ Day, if at all possible. Put all the kids on the front lines front porch to hopefully avert Mom’s attention while you make your escape. Mom’s a sucker for her grandkids. They are like kryptonite. She has no defense. She will turn into a mushy, gushy Nana right before your eyes.
Sometimes resorting to such low-class measures is the only thing that will save you. Just do it. And don’t’ look back.
And just when you think you’ve experienced enough maternal madness for one year, you remember you have a Mother-in-Law. MIL for short, and code for Monster If Loaded…whatever you do, don’t buy her any alcohol. She has had plans to get rid of you for years now and selecting the wrong gift could be just the catalyst she needs to execute.
You don’t want to piss MIL off. MIL has skills. MIL has secrets of which you are not privy. MIL has given birth to your husband/wife/partner and there’s not a damned thing you can do about that.
MIL will feign acceptance, warmth, and wisdom when you first meet her, but don’t let her cute-little-oldladyness fool you. You took her baby away from her. She may forgive but she will never forget. When selecting a gift for this kind of MIL, walk softly and carry a credit card with a huge limit.
MIL can be bought. What? You think you’re the only one who can’t leave Kohl’s without buying another handbag?
MIL will leap several aisles in a single bound in order to pry a coveted handbag from another woman’s bleeding hands. She can be brutal. How did you think your husband/wife/partner got their stubborn streak?
You have no idea what you’re dealing with. Sleeping with one eye open wouldn’t be a bad idea around this time of year.
Just sayin… Forewarned is forearmed.
Happy Mother’s Day! If you need me, I’ll be in my bunker bedroom with my blankie. Just slide my Mother’s Day gift under the door and go away.
**Images from Google Images